Tony Soprano

Despite all the critical acclaim, popularity, success, and every plus point I could mention about it, it boils down to this: If Tony Soprano wasn’t in it, I don’t think I would give a damn. In fact, I know for sure I wouldn’t. That’s the one key element about The Sopranos – Tony Soprano. The second factor about the show is that he regularly sees a female therapist. Doctor/patient relationships, when loaded with underlying sexual tension, are always a winner. Third would have to be his loose cannon nephew.

I remember seeing the show during the summer of 2003, on one night in particular which stands out from all the rest. That was my best summer. Do you have a best summer, or one summer evening which stands apart in your memories from others for no particular reason? On mine, it happened to be the night when I really took in The Sopranos for the first time. I was eating, near midnight, because I was bang into the gym and near my all time heaviest. Life is a breeze for any hard gainer when he is near his heaviest. Know this.

The show is so masculine. It’s a man’s world. Their gangster life is appealing, with its adrenalin, its comradeship, it’s hard cash 'n' boobs, bodies in boots, its comforts so taken for granted. Respect and fear from your peeps, honour and loyalty, rats and rank...a far cry from gossipy soaps set in pubs.

I’ve just killed the first season in a couple of days, none of which I’ve seen before, but it all started with a movie recommended by a teacher, back in school, called TRUE ROMANCE. I stayed up after my mum’s bedtime to watch this (life marker occasion). Tony Soprano was in just one of the many awesome scenes in the movie (although his stands out as perhaps the most pivotal and best). We called him The Dirty B*stard, because of his ruthless beating of Patrica Arquette. He was sooo convincing as a hit man in touch with his sensitive side, having a kind of running commentary breakdown as he did his nasty work, it was unreal. Then, when I saw The Dirty B*stard with his own drama years down the line, you bet I was gripped!

That’s why to me, the show means a lot more than it oughta. I can’t go into it here. It’s almost like the real James Gandolfini doesn’t even exist. Please don't show me his bloopers. I'd choke on his gag reel.

On just once a week, late at night however, you’d have to be dedicated to watch it religiously. Now, with box sets, internet and Sky+, it’s perfectly possible to start smashing all your fav shows in a matter of days (hey, why not on your i-phone?). There’s that many decent Americana dramas, it can sometimes feel impossible to do anything else...

Prescription Television

“You can either sink or you can fly,” my handsome doctor said to me. “So now then Dear Patient, what’s it gonna be?”

“Fly high-a-way in the sky, natur-ally.”

“If you are absolutely certain? It’s a lot easier to sink. What was it you said about your favourite film, Falling Down? Letting go is easier than–”

“KEEPING HOLD.”

A nod from my married handsome doctor implied he seemed to be able to agree with that. He often shared his mortgage and insurance anxieties with me. Could level with a home boy, when he wanted to, in his svelte suit, suave shoes, and lacquered haircut.

“I prescribe, for YOU,” he said, in his holier-than-thou accent, like some sorta magician revealing his signature trick, “Season One, of Everwood.”

Everwood? I knew of a restaurant called Evenwood, but no television series called Everwood.

Good ‘ole married handsome wedding-ring-wearing ‘doc scribbled the details on a note, then leaned across to push it towards the edge of a desk worth more than my first two cars. “Everyday, on Freeview Channel E4. It’s repeated, so unless you wake up after one pm, you’ll never miss it.”

I was curious. ”Is it like Smallville?” I asked. “Or Dirty Sexy Money?” Those were the only two Yankee TV dramas I knew about. And West Wing.

“Have you ever seen One Tree Hill, or Eli Stone, or Brothers and Sisters?”

“Is Brothers and Sisters the one with Emily VanCamp in it?”

My pompous good ‘ole married handsome wedding-ring-wearing ‘doc clicked his fingers like a rebel pimp. “That’s what I’m talking about! Just her storyline alone will soften your heart. In Everwood, she is younger, and will reawaken your teenage dreams. Make you whole again.”

“Those dreams were not bad,” I said. “I think I will give this Everwood a try.” Lord knows I'd been fractured by the likes of X-Factor.

That I did, and upon the closure of episode 22, I sought to seek the remaining 3 seasons. This was my life now, and I based my entire diary around it. Everwood, Emily.

by TAZ

© Okus Pocus

DNM Fiction 2012 edition

Celebrity Observations

Celebrity Observations:

1. Lady Gaga is the most famous, most talented, and most gorgeous massive star that has ever been born.

2. Chris Evans spoils his radio tracks by singing along to them.

3. Graham Norton is actually quite funny.

4. Gordon Brown's drop-jaw is less noticeable these days.

5. Wesley Snipes has an upside-down smile.

By A.J......the anonymous journalist.

Reporting via Blackberry mobile web