The Apprentice, Part 2

A Television Interception courtesy of TellTale Press®

Because of the shambolic 'sausage fest' during the first airing of the new series, kingpin of The Apprentice, Lord Sugar, swallowed his pride and called his arch nemesis Gordon Ramsey in a desperate bid for advice. They seem to be getting along now, after fierce rivalry in the popularity ratings. The following is the actual transcript from a recorded call.

LORD SUGAR: They got it cheap off the bone per kilo, minimum legal requirement meat percentage, and tried to tell me it was gourmet quality. It was the flavours I want you to give me advice on. They had beef and stout, pork and mustard, lamb and mint, pork and cider, and chilli chicken. Have you ever flogged chilli chicken sausages in your restaurant? Do customers seriously buy pork and cider sausages?

GORDON RAMSEY: Let me tell you something, Al. In all my years of owning restaurants, the only thing that matters is whether the food is seasoned or not. If it’s not seasoned, it’s f**kin’ dogshit.

LORD SUGAR: One of them didn’t know how to weigh all the gunk in the hopper, and another said he was too posh for mincing. They knew naff all about making sausages. I mean there’s bargain bangers, there’s budget bangers, and then there’s bulging bangers. It’s hardly an art form. There was more brains IN the bleedin’ sausages than there was between the bunch of bloody amateurs put together. Some of them even knocked door-to-door. With sausages!

GORDON RAMSEY: I saw the one called Stuart Baggs who said he was a brand unto himself. He’s a headache in a suit, that tosspot. You wanna feed him to the f**king pigs....that’ll increase the meat percentage.

LORD SUGAR: I know....brand of what, for crying out loud? Let me tell you, he’s a cocky sort of chap. He does nothing but faff about. He didn’t even say good evening Lord Sugar. He just said good evening. I dropped the Sir Alan so they could call me Lord Sugar because Sir Alan was becoming one word to them, like Siralan. Like Siralan was my Christian name.

GORDON RAMSEY: Brand of f**king donkeys, that’s what. Take my advice, yeah? Next time they are waiting to come into the boardroom, don’t have the secretary say Lord Sugar will see you now, or you can come into the boardroom now. Go out there yourself and say get in that f**king boardroom now, because one of you is getting f**ked! Then, after you’ve f**ked them, tell them to f**k off. Like this....You’re f**ked, now f**k off!

LORD SUGAR: Okay, Gordon. Thanks for your time.

Go on, get out !!!

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©opyright Okus Pocus

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In The Apprentice, Part 1, below, they argue and insult each other.

http://piebald77.blogspot.com/2010/02/apprenticekitchen-nightmares.html

The Apprentice

"Yes Chef Sir Alan" from Newsjack in BOOK 12

GORDON RAMSEY: Welcome to Kitchen Nightmares everybody, I’m Gordon Ramsey, and with me I have the man everyone loves to hate, star of The Apprentice, Alan Sugar.

SIR ALAN SUGAR: Excuse me, but it’s Sir Alan to you.

GORDAN RAMSEY: Oh my God, this is a nightmare already. Pardon?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: My name. There’s a sir before it.

GORDAN RAMSEY: Come on, for *BLEEP* sake, what’s so uncomfortable about Al?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: I think the idea of you calling me Al is a complete bloody shambles. No. It’s Sir Alan, thank you very much.

GORDON RAMSEY: I thought it was just the wannabes on your show you made call you that.

SIR ALAN SUGAR: No, it applies to everybody, especially lightweights like you. Do you think I got to where I am today by letting people call me Al? Listen, I run a successful business because I’m minted, and I didn’t get minted by granting morons like you liberty to call me whatever the bloody hell they bloody well want. Got it?

GORDAN RAMSEY: Well, let’s get another thing straight, you old bearded pig: Whenever you address me, you address me as chef. Yes?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: You what? All that Yes Chef nonsense? From what I understand, Chef isn’t a title worth squat. I’m about as impressed by the title chef as I am about those bleedin’ Michelin stars you’re always banging on about.

GORDAN RAMSEY: This isn’t a job, it’s a passion, and my restaurants are the best in the world. Yes?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: You’re bound to tell me that, aren’t you, but I have it on good ground that your restaurants are a bloody disaster. People aren’t stupid, they know a kiddy-sized portion of your pan-fried bollocks shouldn’t cost twenny bleedin’ quid.

GORDAN RAMSEY: You amount to nothing as a man, do you know that? Take away the Amstrads and the Rolls Royce and what are we left with, eh? A tall Bill Oddie. You’re not powerful, you’re pathetic.

NOEL EDMONDS: Okay. What we have here are two titans of reality television, locked at the horns in a tense dual. But who will be the first to break? How long will Gordon hold out from addressing Sir Alan as the rest of the nation do? If and when will Sir Alan agree to answer Gordon with Yes Chef? Tune in next week to find out!