Shaun Attwood Interview

HARD TIME, by Shaun Attwood

Born in Widnes. Educated at Liverpool University. Stockbroker in the US. Rave organiser in the US. Sent to the toughest jail in the US....Arizona’s Maricopa Jail is run by the notorious Sherriff Joe Arpaio, who feeds his prisoners on 30 cents a day. He openly brags about feeding the dogs on 60 cents a day because the dogs “are working for a living and haven’t committed any crimes”. He makes the prisoners wear pink underwear and bee-stripe coveralls in chain gangs. Some of them live in tents. The illegal conditions include infested cells where the cockroaches crawl all over you in sweltering heat and a bloodlike carroty slop for dinner known as “red death” in which the origins of the meat content are questionable, to say the least.

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It’s all about race and gangs. The Aryan Brotherhood, Blacks, Mexicans and alike will kill-on-sight (KOS) for an initiation tattoo and don’t expect the guards to rush to your rescue, because they are known for murdering inmates too. Shaun Attwood exposed the truth by smuggling out his diary extracts written with a golf pencil sharpened on the wall and having his family upload it to the web, creating jonsjailjournal.com to international acclaim. HARD TIME is his first book, and is now available on Amazon.

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Question 1

I like your choice of understated sports cars such as the Toyota Supra and twin turbo Mazda RX7. What would your ideal vehicle be at the moment?

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S.A

My ideal vehicle at the moment is my old Ford Fiesta, which gets me to the schools I do my talks to and back. Supposedly, Mazda is designing a new RX7 for 2011.

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Question 2

Doing bulk deals of quality Ecstasy on foreign soil must have been exciting at the time. What you were doing is worlds apart, in my view, from the modern climate of nasty legal high shipments, or shady crack and smack transactions. If you were a judge, would you show sympathy to the raver?

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S.A

If I were a judge in America I would not be able to show much sympathy due to the statutory sentencing framework. Historically, judges have been more lenient in the UK, but unfortunately we are adopting more US legal practices.

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Question 3

Reading about how you were living on the odd Snickers made me crave Snickers. Do you still munch Snickers, are you totally revolted by Snickers, or can you take ‘em or leave ‘em?

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S.A

As soon as I got out of prison, I stopped eating some of the items that had sustained me throughout my incarceration. Snickers, peanut butter, milk...

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Question 4

Did the infamous Sherriff Joe Arpaio show his face much about the jail?
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S.A

Not often. When he did, he was surrounded by his own personal "goon squad" - armed bodyguards in shankproof armour. The inmates would hurl abuse at him from their cells - something you never see on his carefully-staged jail documentaries.

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Question 5

I can’t imagine your low points in Joe’s Hole when looking at the prospect of life imprisonment. I know you meditated in yoga positions by visualising triangles around your body and imagining your spine as a shaft of light (or something like that), but did you ever actually pray directly to God?
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S.A

I regularly attended the church services, where we all prayed and sang together. The best services were hosted by Jumping Bill!

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Question 6

Has surviving on rations of spoiled food increased your appetite for supermarket treats/fast food/takeaways, or has it instilled in you a discipline to be more rigorous with your diet now?
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S.A

After the "red death" jail slop with occasional dead rats in it, I am still a yoga practicing vegetarian.

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Question 7

Has been exposed to so much violence, like heads getting cracked like coconuts on the floor, for example, edged you towards a more pacifist standpoint?
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S.A

Yes.

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Question 8

Who is the character in Hard Time you would least like to share a hotel room with, and why?
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S.A

Someone like Bullet, a neo Nazi and a murderer, who wanted to kidnap his prosecutor, torture her with a blow torch, and murder her.

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Question 9

What is the most unorthodox object, or largest quantity of contraband/merchandise, you were ever aware of someone unpacking from their ass (keystering)?
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S.A

The mules prided themselves on how much they could "keyster" (pack in their behinds). Some of them bragged that they could store four "quarter roll" packages without them peeking out during the strip searches. A quarter roll refers to something the size of $10 worth of 25 cent coins placed one on top of the other.

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Question 10

After you have completed the English Shaun trilogy with the upcoming prequel and sequel to Hard Time, do you see yourself staying in the writing business with any other works?
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S.A

I'd like to write the individual stories of some of the prisoners featured at my blog like Wild Man, Two Tonys, T-Bone, Frankie...

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Questions by Andrew Donegan, who read with Shaun at the Royal Festival Hall in London 2009.

Big Don Interview

My cousin A.Michael interviewed Big Don with an old fashioned tape recorder in the pub. Big Don switched allegiance from WOL and submitted himself to various saucy e-zines, where he has gained success. He has brought the blog page into a controversy of sorts, attracting complaints and bringing undue attention to his ex-agent, Gus Kidney, who has only agreed to post this in order to clarify the matter in public, for good. Gus Kidney and WOL does not endorse Big Don or Big Don’s work in any way.

First off, I’m sorry about the split.

No matter. I’ve already forgotten about it.

I think it’s WOL’s loss, for what it’s worth.

So do I. Sex is big bid'ness.

WOL isn’t in the business of selling yet though. Just promoting.

WOL is acting all Disney at the moment, pretending to be cute. I’m just waiting for a pink background on the blog page and pictures of bunny rabbits.

Didn’t we have a link here, for a story of yours?

No, it was wrong. And now Gus is pretending to be ashamed to be associated with me, when all he used to tell me is to ‘write what I know’.

It was a pretty graphic story you had published on the web. The site which published it is an 18s only site. How does it feel when someone who wants to read it has to skip past adverts selling sex toys?

It feels great. They’ve just agreed to publish another one next month. April. I think the woman editor fancies me.

Have you met her?

My mind, she fancies my mind. Your imagination is obviously bound to the mere physicality of sex.

Are you bi-sexual? People are curious.

I’ve a good mind to give you a smack on the mouth for asking me that.

The graphic content would suggest––

Listen, you don’t know douche about the meaning of graphic content. I don’t go banding about taboo words like the rest of them, you know. A lot of them are just grossly descriptive. Not me. Not Big Don. My scenes are from deep in the chambers of the mind and soul. They are major events, not sneaky dogging adventures on a car park. Done stylishly.

What, you mean you don’t just think them up like any other story?

Hell no. These have been cooking ever since adolescence. So that’s only two pieces of sexual expression in all that time. But already I can’t imagine not ever expressing myself this way. I’m looking forward to what comes out in my third effort.

You could go the whole hog and do it for real.

There you go again. I really will put a thick lip on you, you get me? This is Big Don you’re talking to. Not some local brat from definitely never gonna get published or whatever the hell the name of that booklet is you dump in libraries. I’m warning you, blood.

I’m just thinking of HUNG, that new drama about the gigolo starring Thomas Jane. I like him. It’s a good show, that.

I’ve seen it. It’s rubbish. And it’s miles apart from what we’re talking about. You’ve got me down as a filth merchant, just say it loud and true. I’d still be writing here under one name or another if it wasn’t. But for people who don’t see the difference between p**n and erotica, then I simply don’t care. I haven’t time for them. What I’m doing now is more engaging than anything going on at steakpie seven seven dot blog of gob dot com, because people on-line from here to Timbuktu are enjoying sharing the fantasies I conjure up. The likelihood is that your fantasies are probably dying a slow death in your own lonely head and tormenting you in the process.

OK. Whatever, Big Don. Thanks.

Anytime, bruv.

Details of Big Don’s upcoming April publication and his previous December one can be found on his link history on MyFace.

DNMF Interviews

DEFINITELY NOT MAINSTREAM FICTION

Here my cousin A.Michael, editor of the very small press DNMF that publishes exclusively to Widnes and Warrington central libraries, interviews six of his writers: Errol Babbage, Cam Lee, Doogie Howsar, Taz, Ed Drew, and Ste Ghost. All six writers featured in the KIXTER anthology.

ERROL BABBAGE on his story Hippy Ritual.

What is Hippy Ritual about?

Hippy Ritual is about a lurid stranger who has his wicked way, basically.

Is it rude?

Not at all. What he does is left completely to the imagination. It’s a situation piece, all in all. A character encounters a problem at the very beginning and that same problem carries all the way through until the end.

What gave you the idea?

Television, as a matter of fact. The tube is a haven for ideas.

Any show in particular?

The world’s wildest police videos, or something like that. The one with the white-haired sheriff who hates bad guys.

I know who you mean. Sheriff Jon Burnell.

You know his name? Wow, that’s hellishly random. I can’t believe you know his name.

He’s awesome.

He is awesome. I love the different terms he uses to describe people, like ‘desperate lunatic’ or ‘drug-crazed madman’.

Does he feature in the story in any way shape or form?

Unfortunately not, no, but he could have. I could rewrite him in quite easily. For the reprint of DNMF back issues, maybe?

Great idea. What are you working on at the minute?

Bit of poetry here and there, but playing the recorder is distracting me from it.

What’s a recorder?

A flute. I have a cheap plastic flute. When I get good I’ll upgrade to a horn made from bone.

Oh, okay. How’s the day job?

Still up to my eyeballs in human trash, basically. It’s no secret what I think of my job and the people I work with. But what can you do but stick it through?

I understand. Whatever pays the council tax and puts Kingsmill on the table though, hey?

Exactly. Times are tight.

Tell me about it. I’ve been strapped for publishing funds for most of last year. At least 30 people have heard of you, however, due to DNMF. You were the 1st story in the 1st issue.

It’s a start.

Have you anything else to contribute to future issues?

Of course. I think I could rustle something up.

Alrighty then. I look forward to it reading it. Cheers, Errol Babbage.

Thank you, Mr Michael.

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CAM LEE on his story Fishcakes.

Is Fishcakes the eeriest story you’ve ever done?

I’d say so. I’m usually a kind of Mills & Boon writer, but there was no problem doing a creepy one.

You say it’s virtually all true. Is that true?

You bet. I did it in a couple of sittings. It was so natural, coming out, it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

The fact that it takes place in the morning, in the daylight, adds to the tension and suspense. Would you agree?

Yes. It doesn’t have to be dark for you to be scared.

Do you enjoy writing female characters?

Love them, yes. I always wanted to be a teenage girl, for some reason, when I was young. And before you ask, I never tried my sister’s clothes on.

Do you have a sister?

I have three sisters. You’ll see them if you come into the chip shop. That’s probably the reason why I felt like things would be better if I was a girl too, so I could play with them. But, also, there is nothing quite so vulnerable as a teenage girl.

Is business good?

We’re getting by. Being there for years now. You can find us directly opposite the Moorfield Arms pub, next to Booze Buster.

Do you serve teenage girls generous portions?

My sisters serve everyone generous portions.

Oh, I see, you just command ship now.

I chip-in now and again.

Plugs and puns, eh? Ha. Cheers, Cam.

Thank you. Hope to feature again.

Ready when you are.

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DOOGIE HOWSAR on his story Emergency Servery.

I know a woman who said Emergency Servery made her feel sick. Was that your intention?

No, but that reaction sincerely pleases me.

It is a total gross out in a way though, wouldn’t you agree? Even the central character pukes up at one point.

I disagree. It’s all suggestive. There'll be people out there who enjoy all the foodstuff I mention in the story and aren’t grossed out at all. It’s not like part of the script from Slaughtered Vomit Dolls or anything.

I beg your pardon?

It’s a dodgy internet movie where people are pulling heads off, scooping them out, being sick in them, and drinking from them. Clips from nightmares, more or less.

I’ve never had a nightmare like that.

Me neither. My friend coined the phrase. I thought it was the best one-line review of a movie I’ve ever heard. Clips from nightmares.

Any truth in the rumours that EM was a play, originally?

None whatsoever. I have no idea how to write stage directions.

But there’s hardly any prose.

I think it’s fresh, that way. I learned from the professional writer Terry Edge that dialogue can carry a plot all by itself. Plus I was getting fed up of writing ‘he said’ and ‘she said’ all the time.

I like the way the story develops into a place completely different from where it started. Is Berky the most engaging character you’ve ever created?

Berky is a potential series, yes. He’s a DVD box-set waiting to happen.

Any plans to write out of 1st person soon?

It depends. 1st person is so much more involving for the reader.

What will you be having for dinner tonight?

Tea, you mean.

Tea then.

Probably some cereal. I eat a lot of cereal these days.

What kind of cereal?

That’s a tad personal, isn’t it? Asking a single man what kind of cereal he eats? You’ll be asking me what particular brand next.

No I won’t. Frosties, cheerios, coco pops……what?

Coco pops? How old do you think I am? Is that how you really picture me, Mr Michael? Sat on my own in my house at night eating coco pops?

(laughing) I don’t know what you eat. Tell me and I won’t have to guess.

You promise you won’t tell?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Okay then (leans close and whispers). I’m eating Taz tonight.

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TAZ on her story Moon Rabbit.

Hey Taz, how you doing?

Oh, you know, still smoking, drinking and getting high.

Is that a bad thing?

On a weekday morning it is. It’s a very bad thing.

You still dividing your time between Runcorn and Hough Green?

You know me. Always back and to.

What about your old lodger, Roy? You still see him?

I see him around, but we don’t really speak much.

Remember the time when he was playing the guitar and you were singing?

Oh yeah. You were recording it with your thingy.

I still have the tape.

Christ, no way. I can’t sing for toffee.

You’re good. And your dancing, well, wow……

I can’t believe I did that. Too much beer. You mentioned it in my introduction too!

You were fantastic. Seriously. But tell us about Moon Rabbit now. You said some of it was inspired by Pet Cemetery.

Absolutely. Some of it is a direct result of that book. I’ve seen a couple of cute animals get hurt and it’s horrible. I wanted to share that distress.

Is that how the sky at night seems to you, the way you described it in the story?

Depends on what I’ve been chonging, but yeah, it can sometimes. Makes me feel like an ant.

I have a lady friend who read the story and found a dying fox on her doorstep the next morning.

Holy baloney. Does she think I did it?

(laughing) Haha! That thought didn’t even cross my mind. Is that esspecially weird or what?

That is simply brilliant. That’s easily the best connection I could ever hope to have with a reader.

What genre would you class the story in?

I’ve no idea. It’s kind of mysterious, kind of uncanny, but it’s not horror, and it’s not a thriller. I don’t know.

That’s why it’s in DNMF.

Exactly. Of course.

Have you written anything else since?

I write emails every day, and I keep a journal, but apart from that, nothing.

We have to change that. Promise me you’ll send me something soon.

About what?

About anything that doesn’t involve banned taboos. Promise me.

I promise.

Cheers, Taz, thanks a lot. Did I mention that Doogie Howsar said he was eating you tonight?

No worries. I’ve got two knuckle sandwiches waiting for him right here.

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ED DREW on his story Ripper.

(Interview conducted over telephone)

Hey Ed, how are you hanging?

Sound, yeah, are you alright?

I’m fine mate. What’s happening? When you getting out?

Don’t know. Either three months or six. Times flying though. Had a game of rugby last night.

Widnes top on?

Yeah, yeah, you should have seen it, some big hits. I was singing that chant, the one that goes meat pie, sausage roll, come on Wigan, give us a goal!

Is that a footy chant or a rugby chant?

I don’t know what the f**k it is. Wanky-wanky-wanky-wanky War-ring-ton!

Any seagull frenzies going on lately?

Yeah, I tore up three loafs outside some pricks window last night.

How’s that woman screw? The one who was there when I visited you?

Who, Kim? She’s still fit. She wore a skirt yesterday. The whole wing was mad for it.

Are you still working as a councillor?

No, I’m in the kitchens now. I put a bottle of caramel sauce in the chips last night (laughs). Last week I swapped all the pasties for apple pies. One lad complained that his steak pasty tasted like apple pie.

You producing any more stories?

Ripper 2. He escapes and goes to Creamfields dressed as Dracula.

Don’t spoil it, I’ll put it in.

When? Listen, are you sure my story was in Widnes library?

Damn right. It wasn’t a wind-up.

I’ll be out soon to check, anyway.

Hope so. Catch you then. We’ll go for a steam.

Where at, Kingsway, the Autoquest or JJB?

JJB is DW Sports now.

Anywhere’ll do. I know that trick how to make them hotter, don’t I?

Pouring cold water over the thermostat? You certainly do. I’ll see you soon. Send us Ripper 2 when it’s finished.

I will.

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STE GHOST on his stories Foxy Gabe and Wolf Where?

What have you been up to, Ste?

Out in the garden mostly, throwing ninja stars into the tree.

Really? Are you into ninjas then?

Ninja assassins especially. I can practice with the nunchuckers for hours.

Have you got a suit?

I’m after one. At the moment I wear my old karate suits.

Have you got The Karate Kid movies?

I do, yeah, from years ago. I also have the old Shinobi video games.

I remember that. We used to play it in the arcade hall at school dinner times.

Those games are what got me into ninjas.

What got you into the supernatural?

Just darkness, I suppose. I love it when it starts to get dark. The body reacts chemically. I love it when the sky is purple at sunset, that very moody violet colour you see sometimes. I love to go camping by caves and rivers.

Why, in DNMF, did you opt for spills of the four-legged kind?

Round here, near the rubgy ground, when I was a kid, was a huge grey shaggy dog. It was taller than me at the time, one of those great mastiffs or something. I used to think about it for hours after I came in from playing, and then have nightmares about it. But it was friendly, really, so I had nothing to be afraid of.

Is Ghost your penname?

No. Ghost is my real name.

That’s a good name for writing supernatural fiction.

I know, you couldn’t make it up. I want to do my surname real justice and pen something really creepy soon. A haunting, or a possession. It’ll take no prisoners. Voodoo, the spirit world, the lot.

Make sure you send it to me.

Of course.

Any news on that story from your childhood which inspired you to start writing?

The Tailypo? Aw man. I‘d do anything to see that story again.

I’ve got news for you. It’s on Amazon. Clarion Books. By Joanna and Paul Galdone.

Result. You can order me that as payment, if you don’t mind.

END OF INTERVIEWS