Never Hush Hush

I imagine it feels great for a known author to take part in a Q&A session from fans. (The word fans here is used very sarcastically. When you hear a pop star use the word fans, you get the feeling you could easily substitute that word for lemmings. Take followers on Tweeter, for example. Sounds wrong, somehow. Supporters is a bit better.) You have to wonder, how genuine are all those blithering idiots? Of twenty-odd million followers, how many of them would stop their idol on the street to congratulate them on a job well done? It doesn't count if you are with your friends taking pictures and autographs. That's pack mentality. Take screaming tweens, for example. ATD always poses the question: If a young girl is alone, and she sees her hero, does she still scream, as if she is with all her friends? Wouldn't that be funny, and weird? ATD remembers once how he approached a Hollyoaks actress outside a coffee shop and told her how touching her TV relationship was with a pupil, how it kept his own school days in his thoughts. None of this can I have a picture crap so I can post it on MyFace. ATD prefers genuine one2ones. A quick word, and let them get on with it. Let them know, and that's it.

Ж

Any-old-way, about questions and answers from people who have read your work. IT FEELS GOOD. After half a life shelving manuscripts in secret, ATD has experienced just a teeny tiny tad of what it feels like. Not all of it good, granted, but it's kinda like publicity, in a way—no such thing as bad. When you hear one of your characters being mentioned as if they are a real person, you can't help but smile. It's like recalling with fondness the memory of an old friend. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAND YOUR STUFF OVER FIRST. And that can be hard, especially if it's an experimental effort full of issues and controversy. Your spirit is etched between the lines of whatever you write. Warts n all.

HUGH STODDART'S prison magazine Not Shut Up 

These things take time, and a hard part of the understanding is that you will probably never finish all you set out to do, because the work of an artist is never done. The aim must be then to simply finish what one can. Prioritising can be tricky though. Just like, say, if you are an athlete, you might work on your weaknesses first in your training routine. But what about your strengths? Do you let them slip? Do what you mean to do first. Like FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! Last thing at night is no good at all. Brushing teeth is a hard enough challenge last thing at night.

Dre vs Tempah

Never been a Dre fan. Haven’t seen him for years, and never in a music vid, so this for me is a comeback. It’s an awesome comeback. He is still around, doing what he loves, and looking hench in the bargain. Eminem, despite been the best lyrical genius rapper ever, has corny verses in I Need A Doctor. The tune has a catchy keyboard effect all the way through his bits though. Dre comes in on the very last chorus, which the radio doesn’t always play, and if the weight training sequence doesn’t inspire, then maybe the flashbacks of his privileged career might touch you. The floating transparent spectre woman completes the package. The special effects on her are truly impressive. I can’t believe her. I’m struck by her image. It doesn’t look like much, but believe me someone worked their ass off on a computer making her look so ghostly and graceful. She’d make the perfect Hazel in Escaping Hazel!

When I first saw Tinie’s training sequence in Wonderman I laughed aloud because I saw it coming. It wasn’t until the vid had finished when I realised he was taking the piss. So instead of me laughing at him, I understood that he was laughing at the likes of Dre. Some may perceive his treadmill form to be a direct insult on the Dolph Lundgren bit in Rocky 4. James Bond is parodied too. I have to say that as long as the quality is this high, he can feel free to rip off and mock anyone he wants. Every shot in this vid is like a movie set up! The one where he is superimposed in front of Ellie Goulding’s face with a heads-up display is simply as good as it gets! I’m tellin’! The electronic element absolutely pings as well.

VERDICT: Close, but Tempah, because I ca’nae get it outta me head.

Blogging Desire

It was the summer of 2007 that I decided I wanted to blog. I was watching Mulder from the X-Files (David Duchovny), star in Californication, a new series about a hip, womanising Los Angeles writer. X-Files was good, but I’d never been much of a fan, so when I looked at Duchovny, I didn’t see Mulder. That’s important, because familiar typecast actors have it all to do.

Take Danny Dyer. You might see him as a TV presenter who fronts those hard knock shows late at night, but I see him strictly as an actor. For a while, he was gold, proper talent, but for me, now, he’s done too many films in too short a space.

Some writers complain when their scripts get optioned and made into movies, because the end result doesn’t match their original vision. I’d be absolutely keen for someone to rework some of my material and do whatever the hell they liked with it – as long as it didn’t involve Ewan McGregor.

The best movies, the real gems, almost always feature unknown actors – faces you haven’t, at the time you watch them, seen before. A movie could come out tomorrow starring Russell Crowe, and it doesn’t matter how good it is, or what it’s called, because it’s just another Russell Crowe movie. You get me?
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Mulder’s good in Californication. He lives the life. He blogs. I could do that, I thought, because it’s just rambling with words, expressing yourself like in a diary. Of course, there’s blogging, and there’s blogging, just like there're movies, and there’re movies.

After just over a year doing it, there have been too few personal entries. I’ve been making an effort trying to keep me-time to a minimum, stressing over pictures and colour and presentation of external subject matter, when most people on the web are talking a load of shite. It’s time to start talking shite myself. And if you think I've been talking shite already, then you ain't seen nuthin' but nuthin' yet.

Pish. Tosh. Piffle.
Bollocks.

The Apprentice, Part 2

A Television Interception courtesy of TellTale Press®

Because of the shambolic 'sausage fest' during the first airing of the new series, kingpin of The Apprentice, Lord Sugar, swallowed his pride and called his arch nemesis Gordon Ramsey in a desperate bid for advice. They seem to be getting along now, after fierce rivalry in the popularity ratings. The following is the actual transcript from a recorded call.

LORD SUGAR: They got it cheap off the bone per kilo, minimum legal requirement meat percentage, and tried to tell me it was gourmet quality. It was the flavours I want you to give me advice on. They had beef and stout, pork and mustard, lamb and mint, pork and cider, and chilli chicken. Have you ever flogged chilli chicken sausages in your restaurant? Do customers seriously buy pork and cider sausages?

GORDON RAMSEY: Let me tell you something, Al. In all my years of owning restaurants, the only thing that matters is whether the food is seasoned or not. If it’s not seasoned, it’s f**kin’ dogshit.

LORD SUGAR: One of them didn’t know how to weigh all the gunk in the hopper, and another said he was too posh for mincing. They knew naff all about making sausages. I mean there’s bargain bangers, there’s budget bangers, and then there’s bulging bangers. It’s hardly an art form. There was more brains IN the bleedin’ sausages than there was between the bunch of bloody amateurs put together. Some of them even knocked door-to-door. With sausages!

GORDON RAMSEY: I saw the one called Stuart Baggs who said he was a brand unto himself. He’s a headache in a suit, that tosspot. You wanna feed him to the f**king pigs....that’ll increase the meat percentage.

LORD SUGAR: I know....brand of what, for crying out loud? Let me tell you, he’s a cocky sort of chap. He does nothing but faff about. He didn’t even say good evening Lord Sugar. He just said good evening. I dropped the Sir Alan so they could call me Lord Sugar because Sir Alan was becoming one word to them, like Siralan. Like Siralan was my Christian name.

GORDON RAMSEY: Brand of f**king donkeys, that’s what. Take my advice, yeah? Next time they are waiting to come into the boardroom, don’t have the secretary say Lord Sugar will see you now, or you can come into the boardroom now. Go out there yourself and say get in that f**king boardroom now, because one of you is getting f**ked! Then, after you’ve f**ked them, tell them to f**k off. Like this....You’re f**ked, now f**k off!

LORD SUGAR: Okay, Gordon. Thanks for your time.

Go on, get out !!!

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©opyright Okus Pocus

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In The Apprentice, Part 1, below, they argue and insult each other.

http://piebald77.blogspot.com/2010/02/apprenticekitchen-nightmares.html

Gaga vs Cole vs Tatu

Wheel of Life DJ, DB Tinkerbell, who owns a musical keyboard, compares the stars. Stephen King, who writes his first drafts in silence these days and only cranks the music during the rewrite, says that music by pop stars with only one name are typically denied airplay in his house (sorry, Chico). Here, we don't care about that. Kesha, for example, and her song 'Take It Off', rocks! Pop is strong. The UK Top 40 can be a treasure chest of party beats. All pictures below are from the music videos Bad Romance (Lady Gaga), Parachute (Cheryl Cole), and Sparks (Tatu).

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For a couple of shots in the middle of Bad Romance, the dancers are jerking like insects, like puppet zombies, their heads and limbs all moving in oppsite directions in a brief moment of disordered harmony. They are each doing their own thing but as a whole they all gel and look great with Gaga in the centre pulling a gritty expression. When she poses against a backdrop of flames, she uses her own extra backing vocals on the word 'revenge', while batting her eyelashes.

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Parachute is more a more classy affair. Cole is garcefully passed around male Latin dancers. It's a poignant, peaceful, and provocative track, the complete opposite to Gaga's boot-stomper. Considering the stick this girl gets, it's a divine effort, and a valid transition from girl band nobody to solo somebody. The above pik wins The Blob's 'Best Shot' Award.

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In their video Sparks, this young duo, and Russia's biggest musical export, become women. It's a stage shoot, with the girls doing very little movement to much great effect, enhanced by ace camera work. They have have found their groove and matured in tandem. They've been around for over 10 years and are still only 25. For me [Tinkerbell], these are the best, and not only for their greater number of nod-along songs. No other dance outfit has as many cool tracks as these. No one else sounds like them, either. Creamy female vocals in a foreign tongue (they sing in english too) layered over synths? Deal.

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WINNER: Tatu

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0sXkdRwCPo

Celebrity Observations

Celebrity Observations:

1. Lady Gaga is the most famous, most talented, and most gorgeous massive star that has ever been born.

2. Chris Evans spoils his radio tracks by singing along to them.

3. Graham Norton is actually quite funny.

4. Gordon Brown's drop-jaw is less noticeable these days.

5. Wesley Snipes has an upside-down smile.

By A.J......the anonymous journalist.

Reporting via Blackberry mobile web

Gaga better than Thriller

There has recently been a claim made by the musician DB Tinkerbell (signed to Hypno-Textures) that the Bad Romance video by Lady Gaga is better than the legendary Thriller video by the King of Pop himself, the late Michael Jackson.

“I had no idea that women were more creative than men,” says Tinkerbell from his pad in Liverpool. “I’m shocked. This girl isn’t just another stare-into-the-camera-and-look-sexy kind of artist, she’s the real deal. I’m telling you. This song is as good as pop gets. There’s no better. It’s the video that stunned me though. She moves in tune with the music, like a puppet to its beat. Everything’s so co-ordinated and synchronised. There are some truly spectacular shots. I watch it every morning, to psych myself up for the day ahead. It’s at around the 140 million hits mark on Youtube now. That speaks for itself. I simply can’t imagine how much it’s inspiring the young girls out there, if a big ugly grown-ass man like myself thinks it’s the best thing he’s ever seen!”

Thriller is easily the most successful music video of all time, selling 9 million units. There has naturally been fierce contempt of Tinkerbell’s claims, although the majority of opinions here at WOL deem them ‘laughable’ and aren’t taking them seriously.

“Sometimes you like a song but when you see the video it is rubbish and it puts you off the song,” he continues. “As is usual the radio is bashing Bad Romance all day and night, so I turn the radio down when it comes on, and save it for when I watch the video, because together they create an unforgettable experience.”

And finally: “I ain’t never seen nobody drop their basket in a crowded supermarket and start bopping to a Michael Jackson song. I have to Lady Gaga. It was about five on a Friday afternoon in Asda. The song was Pokerface. The person was a big old mum. She didn’t look drunk.”

DB Tinkerbell is currently awaiting news about a short-term switch to Technics. He is giving triple-track CDs of 'Lonely Repetitive Space' away with the oncoming literary series of SCHMOE PLAYS, which is fiction for bodybuilders, starting in Walter O’Malley’s gym, Warrington, courtesy of Ya what, ha? Productions.

Celebrity Masterchef

"Yak Off with Gregg Wallace and John Torode"

from Newsjack in BOOK 12.

GREGG WALLACE: Let’s have a conversation about Rolf Harris’s cooking.

JOHN TORODE: Yeah. The Beans.

GREGG WALLACE: They were gluggy, they were gloopy, they were gloppy…

JOHN TORODE: With a beans dish, one has to use Heinz.

GREGG WALLACE: Ab-so-lutely. Yet we have a guy here who starts off with economy beans, mashes them to a pulp with a fork, zaps them in the mike until they bubble like crazy, adds a heap of chilli powder, then pours it out all over the toast like pigswill.

JOHN TORODE: His toast was terrible.

GREGG WALLACE: His toast was unbearable. It was soft, it was soppy, it was soggy…

JOHN TORODE: I’ve never seen someone use so much margarine to butter a couple of pieces of bread.

GREGG WALLACE: He asked me for another tub! I thought he’d lost the first one! Unbelievable.

JOHN TORODE: Okay. What about Titchmarsh’s treacle cake.

GREGG WALLACE: It was gummy, it was gluey, it was gooey… I thought my teeth weren’t going to make it through my one and only bite. I could literally feel them melting on the spot.

JOHN TORODE: He used too much cane sugar, he used too much caster sugar, he used too much beet sugar. The man knows nothing about sugar.

GREGG WALLACE: I was practically reaching for my phone to book the dentist.

JOHN TORODE: My skin broke out in spots just looking at it.

GREGG WALLACE: If he seriously thinks that anybody could possibly ever sit through that dish and still have a single tooth left in their head, then he needs some professional help.

JOHN TORODE: Agreed.

The Apprentice

"Yes Chef Sir Alan" from Newsjack in BOOK 12

GORDON RAMSEY: Welcome to Kitchen Nightmares everybody, I’m Gordon Ramsey, and with me I have the man everyone loves to hate, star of The Apprentice, Alan Sugar.

SIR ALAN SUGAR: Excuse me, but it’s Sir Alan to you.

GORDAN RAMSEY: Oh my God, this is a nightmare already. Pardon?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: My name. There’s a sir before it.

GORDAN RAMSEY: Come on, for *BLEEP* sake, what’s so uncomfortable about Al?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: I think the idea of you calling me Al is a complete bloody shambles. No. It’s Sir Alan, thank you very much.

GORDON RAMSEY: I thought it was just the wannabes on your show you made call you that.

SIR ALAN SUGAR: No, it applies to everybody, especially lightweights like you. Do you think I got to where I am today by letting people call me Al? Listen, I run a successful business because I’m minted, and I didn’t get minted by granting morons like you liberty to call me whatever the bloody hell they bloody well want. Got it?

GORDAN RAMSEY: Well, let’s get another thing straight, you old bearded pig: Whenever you address me, you address me as chef. Yes?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: You what? All that Yes Chef nonsense? From what I understand, Chef isn’t a title worth squat. I’m about as impressed by the title chef as I am about those bleedin’ Michelin stars you’re always banging on about.

GORDAN RAMSEY: This isn’t a job, it’s a passion, and my restaurants are the best in the world. Yes?

SIR ALAN SUGAR: You’re bound to tell me that, aren’t you, but I have it on good ground that your restaurants are a bloody disaster. People aren’t stupid, they know a kiddy-sized portion of your pan-fried bollocks shouldn’t cost twenny bleedin’ quid.

GORDAN RAMSEY: You amount to nothing as a man, do you know that? Take away the Amstrads and the Rolls Royce and what are we left with, eh? A tall Bill Oddie. You’re not powerful, you’re pathetic.

NOEL EDMONDS: Okay. What we have here are two titans of reality television, locked at the horns in a tense dual. But who will be the first to break? How long will Gordon hold out from addressing Sir Alan as the rest of the nation do? If and when will Sir Alan agree to answer Gordon with Yes Chef? Tune in next week to find out!