The Birkenhead Fingernail

What is the best nickname you have ever invented for somebody? Mine has to be THE BIRKENHEAD FINGERNAIL. It rolls off the tongue, like THE SCARLETT PIMPERNEL. I heard THE BIRKENHEAD FINGERNAIL mention THE SCARLETT PIMPERNEL once. He was exactly the kind of guy who talked about musicals.

He was a lanky middle-aged geezer who wore clothes that went out with the arc. His trainers were HI-TEC. I remember them well because I had a pair when I was a nipper, before my pair of blue PONY. They are so old that they have now come back into fashion. The same goes for GOLA and DUNLOP. These brands are back in bid'ness.

When all else fails in life the easiest thing to do is to resort to insulting people’s clothes and hair cuts. I saw a man with the worst spiky dyed-purple hairdo ever last Friday morning. For years I’ve had this joke were if I see someone I know with a new haircut I’ll say, “Who dunnit?” After they tell me, I’ll say, “Don’t worry, I’ll sort them out for you.” But with this guy I was genuinely interested in what careless perpetrator might be responsible.

Correct, I was tempted to ask an outright stranger who had cut his hair, and not in a flattering way. In a very shocked and appalled way. Thinking back, it looked like a DIY jobbie. And he looked like a maniac. One of those maniacs who produce kitchen knives from the inside pockets of CAPRI SKI JACKETS on the street and hack innocent lollypop ladies to pieces.

But let’s not regress from THE BIRKENHEAD FINGERNAIL. For some reason, in protest against his other nine normal fingernails, the pinkie one on his right hand had been left to grow to phenomenal proportions. He had just a single little fingered nail much longer than all the others. Plus, just in case no one noticed, it was black with grimy dirt as well. I recall he used to go out rambling all day. Mainly around Birkenhead, where he hailed from. Hence the nickname.

Oh and by the way, I saw someone dressing absolutely ridiculous in TK MAXX the other day. And I mean ridiculously ridiculous. Here are some of EMINEM’S lyrics, in the song MARSHALL MATHERS (track 11), on the MARSHALL MATHERS album:

Lookin for Big's killers,

dressed in ridiculous blue and red

like I don't see what the big deal is

Ever since I first heard this I associated blue and red (together) as leaning towards the ridiculous side of the spectrum when it comes to wardrobe colour coordination. It seemed to resonate with me during my bookish season when I was maturing from my all-black phase. Don’t hold me to this though. It’s Eminen’s idea, remember. I’m just saying…

This TK MAXX guy would have made EMINEM p*ss his pants. Seriously. He had red pants, blue top, and a bright yellow jacket to remove all doubt. I had to walk towards him head-on and pass him straight-faced. I actually turned around once he’d passed, stopped, pointed at him, and said aloud to myself, “That guy is dressing ridiculous.” I kid you not. He was that ridiculous.

I have a little more to say about yellow jackets, but that can wait till next time. Ciao douches. Donnie.

Nicknames

Here are some examples of the more memorable nicknames me and my friends have used to refer to people between ourselves, mostly in the gym or the workplace. The fun thing is when a ridiculous nickname would get used in the middle of a serious sentence because sometimes the nickname can be more or less a sentence in itself. The last dude on the list had a nickname which was basically poetic verse! The first one is a classic too. For example: “Aw shit! I’ve just bumped who the f**k is he’s car!”

Nickname: Who the f**k is he
Reason: We didn’t know what his job was
Actual name: Paul

Nickname: The biggest bacon buttie ever
Reason: We saw him eating it
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Poo Poo
Reason: After the tennis player Mark Philippousis
Actual name: Phillip

Nickname: Blancmange/The black mange
Reason: Dunno
Actual name: Matty

Nickname: Bones/Skeletor
Reason: He was really thin
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Fruit loop
Reason: He was nuts
Actual name: Alex

Nickname: Tan Man
Reason: Sun beds
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: He’s Massive/Tom Cruise
Reason: He was massive/Looked like Tom Cruise
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Flick Over
Reason: He had a comb over hairdo
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Smirker
Reason: He always seemed to have a funny look on his face
Actual name: Brian

Nickname: The Daywalker
Reason: All he ever did in the gym is treadmill
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Superman
Reason: Very Clark Kent-ish
Actual name: Dunno

Nickname: Knows what he wants, gets what he likes/Likes what he has, loves what he’s got/Has what he’s bought, can afford what he likes/Has what he’s got, loves what he’s gonna get/The best of everything Reason: He had a pool table in his huge house Actual name: Tony