Funny YouTube

When I laughed, hard: James Noone

We were all walking towards the arty. It was a lovely and bright Friday night. James was the only one riding a bike alongside of us. We were all on the grass in the sunshine. School day weekends, nostalgia...you know the one.

Next thing, we spot a DEAD CAT lying next to the railings. It was massiver than massive - it was mahoosive. Each of us has a quick look and says yuck or whatever, but Liam Everard, an older bruiser from the youth club who never usually hung about with us, picks it up into his arms and CARRIES IT ACROSS HIS CHEST LIKE A BABY.

To a bunch of stoned, pissed teenagers, PICKING UP A DEAD CAT is about as mad and as funny as you can possibly get.

One minute, James is looking over his shoulder, laughing at the disgustingly hilarious Liam Everard along with the rest of us, I mean we are all in stitches, but the next he is PEDALLING FOR HIS LIFE as Liam runs towards him. Seeing someone really drunk trying to chase someone with a heavy dead-weight cat in his arms didn’t and still doesn’t happen every day of the week.

There was no getting away in time and all James could do was try to duck the thing as Liam hurled it with two hands towards him, like a rancid sandbag. James did manage to duck this most unusual of missiles, or at least duck enough so it didn’t hit him square on, but to me it seemed to roll all over his back, neck and head in slow motion, before landing in front of his front wheel, jamming the tyre.

He subsequently did an endo and WENT FLYING over the handlebars.

I can’t remember anything else after that, but one thing is for sure – I was laughing, hard.

When I laughed, hard: Mark Stillings

ReAL LiFe

(1)

Working in a warehouse, driving Sidetracker trucks, the boss was stationary, talking to someone else in a truck. The two of them together were blocking off the path of myself and Mark Stillings, a co-worker. The boss and his pal were chatting away, oblivious that we were waiting to drive out of our aisles. Minutes passed. I would have patiently waited all shift, HE WAS THE GODDAMN BOSS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, but Mark Stillings, eventually, just shouted “F**KING HELL!” at the top of his voice, at the boss. I laughed really hard for ages to myself. All that pent-up aggression, AT the boss.

The next time you are feeling slightly nervous around your boss in the workplace, just imagine shouting F**KING HELL at him (or her) at the top of your voice

Anonymous Journalist

HORSE PESTERED BY FOOL

A man already well-known to police has been charged with sexually harassing a horse.

The incident occurred on Ron Todd’s farm in a rundown stable. In his step-mom’s statement, who has since left the household, he was said to have stripped to the bones and covered himself in vegetable oil and oatmeal while ‘tickling and encouraging’ the horse to lick him clean.

The animal was distressed enough by the torture for charges of animal cruelty to be added onto the rap sheet. One RSPCA officer said he had never come across anything so degrading to an animal in all his 20 years on the job.

Todd claimed he had suffered from a memory lapse and had no idea how he came to be there. He also could not explain the camera set-up to record his antics.

The case has been adjourned for psychiatric reports.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROBBER NABBED BY GORILLA

An escaping bank robber was caught after being kicked in the legs by a man in a gorilla suit.

Professional Karate champion Dezzie Bayliss was handing out bananas during a promotional stunt when he noticed a man running with a big sack of cash. The man was leaving a trail of notes along the pavement as he headed towards a parked car with the engine running.

Dezzie said: “I really couldn’t see much in the gorilla suit and I had my hands full with bananas, so all I could do was give him a good kick in the legs and send him flying.”

A 24 year old man was arrested at the scene and treated for broken teeth, where he landed on his face after being foiled.

From a young journo who has yet to think of an apt pen name. Unlike me, he knows how to operate that machine in the library which allows you to research town and family histories. He also scans The Metro and The Sport daily. Now, even I know for a fact that they make stuff up in The Sport, especially that disgraceful Sunday edition, so don’t be surprised if something here seems a little too farfetched. But AJ swears that he only plucks from reliable sources, and none of this has anything to do with his imagination. Not that he needs to prove anything, as I also know, for example, that Ron Todd is a real person. I’ve had the privilege of meeting him on a building site in Deansgate. I walked in on him sticking the toilet seat lid down with silicone in a brand new apartment.

100% Factual A.J

One of Those Days

TUE: 16/12/2008
Hokey-dokey, my bullshit white van won’t start, so I goes and deposits ten pounds at the nearest garage for a set of jump leads. Pack ya bags Peter the Travelodge manager kindly agrees to give me a jump with the hotel van, but we can’t find the bonnet-release switch for a damn good twenty minutes. Then we can’t even gain access to the battery once the damn thing finally opens, so he uses his wife Debbie’s car instead. I am away to sunny Widnes and relatively honky dory until I run out of diesel. Blast! I gets out and starts pushing. Another white van man helps me. Gotta stick together, haven’t we? Mercifully, there is a cul de sac closeby and a garage on the other side of the dual carriageway. I darts across and am forced to buy an overpriced petrol can. Wotta rip! I puts £2.50 diesel in, returns, and puts it in the van. Has the battery recharged yet? Well, even if it has, the van won’t start because I haven’t put enough diesel in, or so my dad explains on the dog n bone anyways.

So I pops over to the garage again, sprinting across in front of the lollipop lady and setting a terrible example to the kids (it’s home time). The vehicle still doesn’t start though so I opens the bonnet and attaches the jump leads before waiting against the side of the van hoping someone will stop and offer assistance without me even having to ask. I’m not about to go flagging cars down, no way, forget about it. The overall effect I achieve is the serial schoolgirl killer look, like I’m plotting to drag someone in. Anyhows, I am right opposite a library so I asks in there. A woman comes out in her car but for some reason my van won’t jump. Another woman comes out in her van and this time both our batteries explode when I attaches the leads. Woman 1 has really sexy thick lipstick on and Woman 2 is so blissfully naïve with her willingness to help out I can imagine her not even calling the police if some nasty yob burglar trashes her house, but rather clean up the mess with a dustpan and brush with a smile on her face saying, ‘Not too worry, we’re insured.’ I calls it off I do, and says I’d feel too guilty if I blows her van as well as mine. Even though Woman 2’s car starts again (only just), she is still willing to try again. My Dad would help but he’s stuck beside his own van while it gets a new windshield fitted (some nut with a vendetta written his car off and done his van in at the weekend, so I starts jogging back, and realises, when I eventually gets in, that I’ve gone and left the door key to my room in the van).

So I can’t even gets back in when I'm starving and tired. I need Debbie, Travelodge staff member, to open my door for me. But guess what? She can’t. Guess why? Because she is locked in the office. Listen to this......the door handle had fallen off. I put my mouth against the crack and told her I thought I was having a bad day! Imagine being held up for something important because a goddamned door handle falls off? A team of comedy writers couldn’t make that one up, could they? She had to be rescued from the window.