I HATE MY BOOK SIGNINGS by Emily Reed

DNM FICTION® EDITED BY A.MICHAEL

Emily Reed is back. The ever-young Lady of Letters sent me this the same afternoon I requested it. As the football season winds back in, Emily groans and reaches for yet more Gerard Butler DVDS from Blockbuster. She would rather listen to the director's commentary on one of his DVDS than watch 23 overpaid wimps chase a bag of air around for 90 minutes.

Don't be shy, give me your cash!

Come buy an over-priced ghost-written chunky hardback from me in person. It will a sincere joy meeting all you constant readers. Thinks me not! For an extra 10 bucks, if you surrender your mailing address, my team will forward you a reproduced Polaroid. If you are not satisfied with the reproduced Polaroid, which captures me in my hay day, then I don't even mind if you pin it up on your dartboard.

Buy my back catalogue of memoirs and I couldn't give a monkeys what you do. Fill your empty shelves, use them as doorstops, or go ahead and give them away to someone else....all fine and dandy with me.

Just so long as you do not expect an autograph or a handshake. My security is vigilant about keeping all my fans at arms length. Some people say I am the luckiest person alive, having my popular chic-lit novels sell the world over. I see it as spoon-feeding drivel to the masses.

I can live without you slobbering all over me at Waterstones. I wish I had a lookalike to fulfil these public appearances.

My husband confessed to attending one of Jordan's book signings just to get a look at her bosom! She revels in attention I detest. The only part of the writing process I crave is your cash at the end of it all.

Preferably from Amazon.

© Emily Reed MMX

Zombie Publications All Rights Reserved

AIR HOSTESS by Emily Reed

DNM FICTION® EDITED BY A.MICHAEL

Emily Reed claims to be the only person she knows not suffering from England Fever. As the World Cup gets a grip of the nation, Emily gets a grip of more Gerard Butler DVDS from Blockbuster, including Gamer and Law Abiding Citizen. Daisy and the other local stray cats Emily occasionally takes care of are all doing just fine.

Howdy, yo and hello! My name is Alexia Needy, and I work as a cabin crew member for Jet2.com, located at the grind-pit that is Manchester Airport. Manchester isn’t my favourite city, but I studied at Liverpool, which was just as bad. Unfortunately, I live in Warrington Town, which is ten times worse than either of them.

A typical day for me involves mad-dashing to the airport 1½ hours early before departure for my pre-flight brief. Can you believe that, 1½ hours early? At first I thought they wanted me to help build the damn planes, arriving so prematurely. Then I’ve got to keep my eyes open and not drift off during the security checks. Just skip the checks, I say, it’d make my day go a lot faster, although one idiot several years ago asked my colleague who is now in jail for being a mule to pull his finger. She thought he was going to fart when she did so but instead he tried to detonate a real bomb in his sock! It failed to explode though and only ripped his foot off. Every hostess has a mad story like that to tell. Apart from me, coz I’ve been bored from day one.

Once all the passengers are on, it’s my job to help them, and believe me, the endless queues of moron lemmings always need a ton of help. Don’t pity them, as they can purchase tax-free cigs and booze once we are airborne, depending on our route. The regular food and drink knocks me on one if I touch it……ugh! That’s why I brown-bag my own scran.

After another tedious security check once everyone is off again……are you ready for this……I have to tidy the blinkin’ plane. Yeah, moi, degree-educated and all. One thing I certainly didn’t sign up for, I can assure you of that. The gents’ crapper often looks like an explosion in one of those porta-loo turd cubicles at the end of Glastonbury weekend.

Don’t get me twisted though, it’s a social job and I meet new people every flight. The catch is that most of them are dunces, dipsticks, pillocks and plonkers. Straight up, right across the board. When down-route, and not tending to blockhead kids in ‘cattle class’, I have the pleasure of checking out the flatlands of Kazakhstan or some other place you’d have to pay me to step foot on. I suppose that’s exactly what they’re doing, actually, innit? Paying me to step foot on ‘em.

Fancy my position? I’ve had enough, me. Career switch looming. Check out cabincrew.com and fill out the online application. Just mention that UP IN THE AIR starring George Clooney is your fav film of all time and I guarantee you’ll get the job.

© Emily Reed MMX