The Difference Between Maradona & Teddy Sheringham

Based on 100% Factual Truth!!! Re-reported by

The Anonymous Journalist.

‘Working for the press is like being a cop in some ways because you develop a natural instinct for people. You know, hunches and gut feelings and first impressions and all that palaver. Now I don’t know hack about football, I just get given a high profile name and an address and turn up with my Nikon, who plays for who and all the rest of it doesn’t really interest me.

‘Diego Maradona’s residence looked very hush-hush. All the cars in the garage, all the lights off, all the curtains drawn, very quiet. Now I know we paparazzi have a bad reputation, and I’ll be the first to admit that we do hound people, we really do – we intrude upon their private lives and cause all kinds of inconveniences for them and their loved ones, but come on here, that’s not much compromise for the benefits of super stardom, is it? It’s give and take. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, is what I say.

‘Anyhoo, this Maradona guy starts shooting at us with an air rifle from 25 paces. He actually had his gun cocked out the window taking POT SHOTS at us! Drunk, coked up, in front of his family and the world’s cameras, SHOOTING at us!

‘Now Teddy Sheringham, when he opened HIS front door at 7am and saw us gathered there at his garden gate, was in a different league. I was expecting bow and arrows, thinking all these footballers were like Maradona, but know what he did, eh, did you hear about what he did? Bring out a tray of tea and biscuits on his finest china for us is what he did, like he was some kind of waiter in a café and we were paying customers. How much of a lesson is that to all those lens-haters out there? TEA AND BISCUITS ON HIS FINEST CHINA. Meat pie, sausage roll, come on Teddy, give us a goal!’

Diego REALLY did shoot at the press and Teddy REALLY DID offer the press tea and biscuits. I saw it with my own eyes on the news! A.D

Movie of the Month

This is not the usual place for movie reviews, but The Anonymous Journalist discloses why he is so excited about his latest cinematic experience. Rest assured, it must have something special about it to even get mentioned on The Blob.

From the first few seconds I knew I was watching a quality vid. It’s lovely when that happens. Just the style of the opening shots win you over from the get-go. The main lead was excellent in DEAD MAN’S SHOES, another British movie, and in this, only the second time I have ever seen him, he was no letdown either.

The great thing about British movies, apart from being able to relate to the enhanced realism more, is recognising familiar faces. More often than not, they’re fringe actors, coming into their own, rather than typecast veterans from Hollywood who play themselves more than the characters they are portraying.

Samuel L Jackson is a perfect representation of someone who turns up on set and simply plays himself (not always a bad thing). His persona has far outgrown the gravity of any fictional character. Take Lecter, for example, an even more extreme case, whose best character has BECOME himself, and overtaken the already irrepressible Sir Anthony Hopkins – it doesn’t matter what picture he's in, he will always, unmistakably, be HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL.

Familiar faces from British soaps and brand new total unknowns are a blessing, for me. It’s nice to recognise locations and accents.

THE HEAVY was pure quality. It showed you London in daylight, the kind of bright outdoors flick I enjoy, in comparison to dark films such as Alien Vs Predator and whatnot where you’re straining to see what’s going on in places you have no connection with. It never does too much, this, either – it touches you just slightly, without getting soppy, only suggestively hinting at romance/devotion/all the teary stuff, rather than going overboard on it. There are some big names in this, and they perform better than I’ve seen them elsewhere. Personal Bests, I call performances like that.

It’s a macho movie, this, but it has its thinking cap on. It’s full of pace and punch and panache, and even has a TVR as the star car. As a first feature from a director, I'd say he absolutely nailed it. Keep it in mind for when you're browsing the Blockbuster shelves, if you still visit Blockbuster. Is Blockbuster still going?

A.J's Diet Status Today: Quaker Oats with Water, Chicken & Vegetable Stir Fry with White Rice, 3 Rounds of Wholemeal Toast with Clover Light, Bran Flakes with Skimmed Milk, Jelly Babies Smoothie with Marshmellows and Northumberland Fudge flavoured Treacle.

MORONS OF THE LAW by A.J

by the ANONYMOUS JOURNALIST

2 officers of the law have been binned from the service after writing off a high-powered muscle car they confiscated from a driver they considered to be driving erratically. After pulling him, he kopped for his tax disc been a day out of date. The officers jumped into the Mitsubishi Evo VIII while waiting for a tow truck. The owner, who passed his breathalyser, watched on from the bus stop with his shopping bags as they ploughed his pride and joy into a greenhouse in someone's garden, flipping it in the process.

The pending investigation will try to uncover the reasons why the motor needed turning around, and why, if this was the case, the officers decided to do this via a roundabout nearly half a mile away instead of doing a simple 3-point turn.

The owner of the greenhouse said he thought a plane had crashed into his garden. He had saved for years to do up his cherished garden and had only just finished building the greenhouse. Upon seeing the occupants get out the vehicle, he prepared to throttle what he expected to be a pair of drunken yob boy-racers. When he saw the uniforms, he thought they were morons going to a fancy dress party, and throttled them anyway, thereby getting himself arrested for assault.

The only injury sustained was by the gentleman's dog, who was in the garden at the time, and suffered a fractured ankle.

PC Wigglesworth, a former rugby player, said he 'only touched' the accelerator pedal.

The owner of the car described the officers as 'divvies' who wanted locking up. He is currently seeking compensation.

A.J

uploaded via Samsung Swype®

THE WILD WILD WEST by A.J

DAVID CAMERON is on a mission to end "wild west" city centres. 50p pints of liquor from Lidl are simply not on; he has seen more than enough thank you very much. From now onwards, you shall pay by the unit. Local councils will be enforcing this rule quicker than the time it takes for you to turn around.

Supermarche booze is now cheaper than chips. During the World Cup, they were practically giving it away. In Cameron's Great Britain, a crate of ale will retail for 50 bangers. At least. Wine will be flogged at 10 notes a bottle. Even the cheap stuff, which is only good for putting on chips.

Conservatives have no sympathy for lousy no-good drunks when full-employment is on the menu; they couldn't give a feck about rotgut cider-punks watching Jeremy Bile. Or is it Kyle? This violent red-eye drink-binge culture has reached critical mass.

"Pre-loading" means you guzzle incredibly cheap high-strength lagers from corner shops before hitting the town where the price of a round on a works night out will dent your wallet almost as much as a £45 England Replica Jersey T-shirt.

Cameron intends to introduce legislation banning infamous 'snakebite' drinks, which are well-renowned for getting the 50 'fiddy' Cent and Pop Idol generation off their heads; a merger is also planned for Tesco, Sainsburys, and Morrisons. The new conglomeration will be entitled Big Corner Shop, and you can forget about bogof or 6 for a pound deals.

Think more along the lines of a VAT deal, which means you pay 17.5% extra. Only now it has gone up to 110%, meaning you dish out more than twice for whatever you want. And that's without cost of duty and touchscreen electronic point of sale tax (EPOS). Don't forget your identification either. Passports and driving licences are no good. Got to be a special ID card, which has more pointless information about you than Google.

The government senior drinks analyst readily admits that bottled water is more expensive than barrelled alcohol. Getting pissed has long been affordable for everybody, but no longer. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Cigarettes are next as well. Then processed tinned food.

David Cameron's ultimate goal, let slip by the right honourable London Mayor B.J, is to have a one world government with a microchip inside everybody's big toe and a camera up everybody's jumper by the year 2020.

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quote of the day

i see u dancin like a star....no matter how diff'rent we are

for all this time i been loving u, don't even know your name

"we could be the same" MANGA

Eurovision 2010 2nd place

BLOGGER DIET STATUS: Gregg the bakers sausage rolls and Perlenbacher premium pills

LISTENED TO: Angry kick-off trance metal

VISITED: Bolton, home of Fred Dibnah and Peter Kay, who can be funny reading a shopping list.

WEATHER: Warm, clear

ATTIRE: Jeans, trainers and hoodie

originally written with a hangover in a cafe

A.J ANONYMOUS JOURNALIST

Tabloid Sensations

GRAVEYARD PERVERTS

Three prats from a hostel drove over 50 miles for corpse-sex with a deceased X-Factor winner. Police found each to be in possession of condoms.

Closer inspection of the graveyard scene revealed bolt-cutters, pickaxe, spade, ghetto blaster, and a neatly-laid out TJ Hughes quilt with matching pillows. There was no trace of alcohol or drugs. All three admitted to digging up the pop diva for the sole purposes of sex.

Kris Dim, from Ramsbottom, had ‘always dreamt’ about making love to a corpse.

Illegal immigrant and sidekick, Jangy Addy, admitted to conceiving the idea. He believed pesticides in the soil preserved corpses.

Ringleader Ron Todd had posters of the performer in his bedroom. He supplied the condoms. Most definitely ribbed for 'his' pleasure.

Sentencing commences next week.

VOICES 'OUT' HIS HEAD

An idiot rigged-up a portable cassette player to the window of his boss’s son’s bedroom and played recordings of his own voice throughout the night.

The volume dial was set to low, because habitual criminal Ron Todd, obsessed with brainwashing, wanted his victim to ‘feel like he was hearing it in his head.’

The victim complained after spouts of bed-wetting and thumb-sucking. He later admitted to feeling stupid because sometimes he thought he could hear what sounded like ‘someone turning a tape over' outside his window.

The plan was foiled when Todd fell from his ladder and needed emergency treatment.

THAT'S GRATITUDE FOR YA

An ex serviceman from the marine corps has sued a fellow soldier because he tied his tourniquet too tight.

Hero Mayweather, 26, said he risked his own life hauling his comrade from a ditch after ungrateful Rupert Collins stepped on a mine on purpose to prove it was a dud.

Mayweather carried 14-stone Collins half a mile back to base while under enemy fire and at one point revived him with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, which he now regrets.

40-ODD% FACTUAL A.J

Anonymous Journalist

HORSE PESTERED BY FOOL

A man already well-known to police has been charged with sexually harassing a horse.

The incident occurred on Ron Todd’s farm in a rundown stable. In his step-mom’s statement, who has since left the household, he was said to have stripped to the bones and covered himself in vegetable oil and oatmeal while ‘tickling and encouraging’ the horse to lick him clean.

The animal was distressed enough by the torture for charges of animal cruelty to be added onto the rap sheet. One RSPCA officer said he had never come across anything so degrading to an animal in all his 20 years on the job.

Todd claimed he had suffered from a memory lapse and had no idea how he came to be there. He also could not explain the camera set-up to record his antics.

The case has been adjourned for psychiatric reports.

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ROBBER NABBED BY GORILLA

An escaping bank robber was caught after being kicked in the legs by a man in a gorilla suit.

Professional Karate champion Dezzie Bayliss was handing out bananas during a promotional stunt when he noticed a man running with a big sack of cash. The man was leaving a trail of notes along the pavement as he headed towards a parked car with the engine running.

Dezzie said: “I really couldn’t see much in the gorilla suit and I had my hands full with bananas, so all I could do was give him a good kick in the legs and send him flying.”

A 24 year old man was arrested at the scene and treated for broken teeth, where he landed on his face after being foiled.

From a young journo who has yet to think of an apt pen name. Unlike me, he knows how to operate that machine in the library which allows you to research town and family histories. He also scans The Metro and The Sport daily. Now, even I know for a fact that they make stuff up in The Sport, especially that disgraceful Sunday edition, so don’t be surprised if something here seems a little too farfetched. But AJ swears that he only plucks from reliable sources, and none of this has anything to do with his imagination. Not that he needs to prove anything, as I also know, for example, that Ron Todd is a real person. I’ve had the privilege of meeting him on a building site in Deansgate. I walked in on him sticking the toilet seat lid down with silicone in a brand new apartment.

100% Factual A.J