Toxic Puppets

 I’m in some kind of software program. I’m seeing lots of people in my mind who are reacting to my innermost thoughts with seething criticism. They exude negativity and hatred. Their angry faces appear on large television screens perched on the horizon, I also have figures running rings about my physical person. To simply label this phenomena as visual disturbance is a blatant understatement. The faces and figures seem sentient. They are slowly plodding on in their bid to drive me towards suicide. People have threw themselves under the hypothetical bus over far less. This has been on and off for over a decade, but constant every day for the last year. Off and on anything I can manage, but constant is different.

They are with me every single moment, chipping in and cutting away at the core of my natural brain processes. They are extremely hurtful and upsetting, like dripping poison to a normally vibrant psyche. I think I’ve done well to hang in this long, as their immaturity and silliness is quite unbearable. Their base psychology is foul. Their lies and their falsehood are annoying. Their mimicry is vexing. Everything about their head games is infuriating. They are everything I don’t stand for and more. It’s just sad that I don’t like them and they will not leave me alone for a spare minute. That is enough to do one’s head in – bad company, 24/7. It’s tragic.

It makes me want to reach for the white powder and introvert myself into sex addiction, for pleasure away from them. Only this makes everything 20 times worse afterwards. I’ve learned to cope with them much better by watching helpful videos online. They feed off my reactions, so I’ve learned to be still and not respond. I’ve always been this way, apart from on one or two occasions when I’ve been shouting into oxygen at the top of my voice, trying to scream some sense into them. All they do is fake smile and smirk and try to upset me by pushing more of my buttons. They eat at my table and sleep in my room, my mind sustains them, they cannot be without me, yet they torture me. If they didn’t represent pain it would be a laugh and a joke, I’d learn to get along with them, but they are foul wretched failures who use compassion as a weapon, nothing humane resonates with them.

I’m just getting them off my chest a little, because I’m carrying a lot around with me. If this was used on a child then they would grow up with severe developmental problems. I wonder what the bigger picture is about, as they won’t let me think. Despair, sure, but they act like they are afraid of something. They try and make out like they are the most powerful cabal in the world, the leader calls himself Lucifer, for crying out loud, but I have renamed them the Toxic Puppets.

And mere Toxic Puppets is what they shall forever remain.

Holier Than You

Just been to an AA meeting. As is quite usual of late, I didn’t get a chance to share. At times I suspect I am getting frozen out on purpose. I’m noticing surreptitious hand signals and thinly-veiled whispered messages. I think this may have to do with the gravity of my message. Peeps are unawares that I always tone down my testimony for fear of scaring people. I never lay it on thick. Plus, oddly, when I leave the room, people are referring to me as God, behind my back. I believe they are taking the Michael because I didn’t finish my A-Levels!

There are some very powerful people in my social circle at the moment, in apology. The hub was thriving today. Certain individuals have a very potent message and are very eloquent in putting it across. Nothing bothers us addicts, we are our own worst critics, we have tendencies for self-destruction, what is someone else gunna do to us?

I don’t mind taking a backseat and listening to everybody else, block me out. Suits me fine.

When the time is right I strike like an Indian cobra. Don’t worry, I don’t mention assassins, or black-ops, or who dares wins soldiers, or ninjas, but I would if I felt like I was being made insignificant by an overture of one or more persons squirting his/her/their smallness[es] all over me. How is it smallness, if they are powerful, you may ask? Because for every powerhouse here, there is a bullshitty faker too. Cause and effect.

I gently talk about me, higher powers, rock bottoms, euphoric recall, character ideation, anything that comes to mind…sometimes my mind goes blank and I forget what I was about to say. Some of them here are more passionate about recovery than I am, and fair play to them, they have all the buzzwords and trendy lingo. There’s a lot of ornate terminology in recovery. It was Harlan Coben who taught me how to snatch buzzwords from books and other sources and use them for yourself. The only embarrassing thing is if you repeat someone’s buzzword back to them when they invented it themselves. That way they know you stole it.

My saving grace in meetings, if I become unstuck, is talking to other people’s higher powers in the room. This is my last gasp desperate ploy if I feel like I am getting squirted over. I stole this tactic from Rufus May. Thank’s Rufus. He’s a hearing voices coach somewhere and he doesn’t know me so he won’t mind. If I did it in front of him, which I wouldn’t, I’m sure he’d notice I was ripping him off.

I’ve saved a lot of research papers from my years in recovery. I might write out all the lingo one day, and up my game in buzz words. They can completely shut someone down. Useful as a defence in case someone uses them on you. And they probably will, given time.

Because, despite helping the struggling addict or alcoholic, a lot of recovery is nothing but a load of I’m much cleaner (and better) than you.

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