The Time I Got Pulled By A Bloke

For some unholy reason I was on the fun bus with a keyboard and this dark skinned Hispanic fellow sat himself next to me on the back seat. He started chatting, and I didn’t know back then that when one human speaks to another, it is the equivalent of apes grooming each other. I learned that in a book called THE NAKED APE. When someone talks to you, that is effectively what they are doing, so it means they like you and are prepared to care for you. Remember this next time you are caught off-guard and start to feel defensive.

He was ever-so very friendly. I thought he was naive because he was foreign but in hindsight I was the naive one. He knew exactly what he was doing from the off. He said he had a house which was on the bus route and only a mile or so before where I lived. It was above THE BALL pub on LIVERPOOL ROAD. He said I was welcome to get off early and stop at his for a bit because he had studio equipment and I would be able to plug my keyboard in and make a professional-sounding song.

It sounds weird agreeing to this with a TOTAL STRANGER only minutes after meeting him, but that’s exactly what I did. As soon as I went in I saw pictures of his friends with (how can I put this?), MALE LOVE JUICE on their chests. Yes, really. Actual printed photographs of sex games pinned up for all to see. That should have set me on my toes right there. I thought an accomplice was going to stick me with a needle and drug me. My eyes were peeled for any SYRINGES that might POP OUT from between the banisters of the stairs. I thought I was meat.

I couldn’t bring myself to flee like a whipped dog. I had to stick it out and be ready to PROTECT MY BOTTOM at all costs.

It was very unnerving for a while, but when I saw his studio I relaxed a little. I started to have a go and realised that he was just watching me, playing with himself inside his pants. He had a PROPER TENT GOING ON with both hands buried inside. When I asked what he was doing he invited me to start playing with myself too. He said COME ON, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, LET’S JUST HAVE SOME FUN. I kind of laughed his suggestions off and said to myself that it was time to go, all the while being careful that he didn’t BRAIN ME on the way out.

And that, ladies and gents, is the time I got pulled by a bloke.

This is a true life personal account with no added sugar, when I was 24. The man in question reminds me of CEDRIC, who I met when I was 17. Stay tuned to hear all about CEDRIC soon!