Rant

Moody Times...
How much does it cost to freeze your head so they can bring you back in the future? (Answer - more than I've got) Can they just freeze your brain and stick it behind someone else’s face? Can I have Tom Jones’ head (coz it has plenty of room inside) with Jean Claude Van Dickweed’s body (so I can slap people in the face with my feet?) How about you? Rodney Trotter’s legs?

I saw a white pigeon earlier. “Never in my life,” I said to myself. It was more like a dove. An albino. It must be an omen, I thought, a sign. Amen. An hour later I returned the same way and it was roadkill on the tarmac. FFS. These drivers will kill anything these days.

Here’s a recipe for peanut butter chicken I concocted earlier. Simply put 2 defrosted chicken breasts in a wok with at least a full jar of peanut butter (has to be smooth, crunchy would be disgusting) and leave on a low heat. Go to work, come home, and transfer the contents to a plate (you may need to hold the wok upside down and bang the bottom with a brick). Next, microwave on full power for 90 seconds. Serve with white rice. Brown rice? Again, disgusting.

Here’s a nice anger management tip. My favourite new catchphrase is: YOU F**KING STUPID TW*T. Saying this regularly throughout the day, if need be, really helps. If the autoplay on your stereo system doesn’t work, call it a f**king stupid tw*t. Call it your car, your phone, your TV, or indeed anything that pisses you off. I swear, this is working miracles for me. It’s so important to voice your emotions. Don’t let them bottle up. Pronounce each word clearly and distinctly. YOU F**KING STUPID TW*T. Note: calling another person this is immensely satisfying.

Another one, if you are feeling particularly decisive, is to address someone as HEY DICKHEAD. For example, you are in a shop and you are not certain if someone is in the queue or not, you may say HEY DICKHEAD, ARE YOU IN THE F**KING QUEUE OR NOT? Or HEY DICKHEAD, PASS ME A F**KING LION BAR. I’m not making this up. I’ve seen HEY DICKHEAD used many times by my boy Andrew Steel, of Widnes, and he wasn’t joking.

Why do some people stand about ten feet behind the till point when there’s a small queue? Has anyone ever noticed this sh*t? I feel like pushing them in the back. It’s courteous to give a person some space, but don’t stand off like they have the plague and force the queue back towards the door. People these days eh. More brains in sausages.

What kind of fackin moron runs over a white pigeon? Splat!!!