Chris Moyles / Fish n Chips

It’s not enough that we have to put up with him on the radio, but now we have to hear that he has a new contract worth a million pounds sterling.

That’s just great, that is. Thanks for that. I’m struggling like an old rag n bone man and meanwhile that get is raking it in. Why are we bombarded with gossip about how well some folk are doing, when not two minutes before we are having the recession forced down our throats?

I’m not interested in government cuts and fat cat bonuses. The common man is nee affected. I stress about my own pocket, and the rising price of oatcakes in the supermarche. C'mon, let me get on with it, and cease throwing insulting figures down my throat.

Have you noticed how nobody hardly mentions a million anymore? All you ever hear about are billions now. Radio 4 do my nut in. For the final time, I don't care about your politics or your numbers or your interest rates. Fack them, and fack you. We all know IT'S ABOUT MONEY, (6) and that you're alright if you have it, but no one gives a shiz if you haven't.

A Yorkshire pub has broken the world record for concocting the biggest ever serving of fish and chips. The traditional English dish weighed in at almost 100 pounds. The chefs carted it out on a tray that looked long enough to be a stretcher.

There was a time when breaking a world record really meant something. World’s strongest man. World’s fastest land speed record. World’s longest ski jump. Skyscrapers, battleships, construction bridges. There was a time when a man doing a million and one keepie-ups with a football was about the dullest record around.

Now, we have professional worm eaters who can scoff 200 of the yucky invertebrates in 20 seconds. We have glutinous greedy guts dunking hotdogs in water so they can slide down their throats with zero resistance. We have morons piercing every available inch of their anatomies. And now this, fish and chips. A waste of time and money, and I’d bet my bottom dollar it went uneaten.

Whose ever idea this was should have their trousers and pants pulled down in front of a studio audience so paint-ballers can shoot their raw butt cheeks. Pillocks.