Otherness 12

So I’m living with this creature underneath my bed, right? And its mind is in my mind! At first it was scenting me, and it stank to high heaven of nostril-offensive reeking sh*t. It put its hand on my telly, in full view of my mince pies (eyes). Oh so clever. Last night I physically felt a shiver of fear course thru my body, feeling it tug my covers. A momentary lapse of defences. Then I recovered. I’m sleeping with my feet tightly tucked in under the duvet, not hanging out over the edge of the mattress. It started talking the other night. It said, “You’re trying to cut me up!” because I was putting angle grinders under the bed where it harbours. The pottery I did several years ago look like alien sentinels, and I’ve been mounting them alongside the bed as well, bordering it in. It’s all a fight of the mind. Visual cortex combat.

I think that my mind is hooked up to a computer, and that a very determined and wicked handler is putting commands into my brain. Commands like a special effect, going “He-he-he,” like demoniac laughter. You know, like a nice little witch’s cackle here and there. I’ve seen screenshots of torture programs on PCs. They’re like music libraries. Hundreds if not thousands of sounds. The sound of a wolf scraping its claw; the sound of a knife on a chalkboard; the sound of a child screaming for mercy. Nothing is out of turn in the torturer’s collection centre. They can not only put noises inside your head, but outside of your head too. Think of your mind as a 360 degree sphere orbiting around your skull like the halo from a light bulb; they can put sounds underneath you, to the right or left of you, and above you. For years, concerning the pain dungeon underneath my flat, I told myself that this was the case. In recent times I have learned to live with TVs (torture victims), and their oppressors, as they are both within earshot of me back at home. I am more or less living with them. I see my own home as a kind of chamber; one that I front with ill manners and minerals on a daily basis. Ill manners are a bad attitude, and minerals are strength. That’s how I fight the Devil. He built a secret bunker underneath my flat for the purposes of bringing me down into it, only I am too strong to kidnap and too powerful to capture. I’ve learned this from God, who will not stand for such vile underhanded and dastardly endeavours.

Enough negativity already. It is now Day 12 on my 28 Day Principal. That means that I am 12 days clean. 12 is a new special number. It started two years ago when I was at Tranmere Rovers’ football ground. It was a big event. We had presentation talks and a buffet. I met a woman who was truly special. Her face was amazing. She reminded me of other civilisations, because she came from afar. I’d never experienced anything like it. I mean, I’ve fell in love at first sight before, with Bennie, my spiritual benefactor, but this was different. It was similar in a way, but hard to explain. I started thinking about Aztecs and Sumerians and Vikings and Romans and Aboriginals every time I looked upon her sweet pretty face. It didn’t make any sense, but felt unique. She was so strong in features, her jaw was so set, her eyes were so inviting. So, from now on and evermore, Day 12 of my recovery numbers is dedicated to her. Surprisingly, I can’t remember her name. I don’t think I got it, but she chatted me up first in the dinner queue. I’ll remember her forever. I really do believe in Love At First Sight. Like I said, I experienced it with Benny. But this woman had a sense of wisdom and worldliness about her that blew my mind. I could tell that she had travelled, tell that she lived, loved and lost, tell that she had laughed. I felt like I knew her well. She was like a ghost particle in human form; something seen to be believed, something mystical and wondrous and enigmatic and singular, so singular, like a sun or star. I was the satellite drawn to her orbit.

I call this Day 12 mental state OTHERNESS. I am now OTHER. The target has always been RARE (28 Days clean), but now I’ve shortened it to OTHER also to give me a bump along in the road. We need hikes up here and there; we need helping hands across the way. I invented it, I created it, I enjoy it. I didn’t conjure it up because I was finding 28 too difficult of a target, it was delivered to be by this baffling and cryptic mysterious woman. So I’m taking it. RARE will be so special this time – it’s special every time like, but not so sugary honey-glazed candy-coated as this time will be. I’m on a journey, I’m going somewhere.

Every time I get there, a new spirit comes out to play. Her name is Air Monroe, she was one of my first characters in fiction. She embodies my love. She IS my love. The world is a far nicer place with Air Monroe in it. Because my soul gets sucked from, and all my ideas are recorded by the government, I got to thinking that this character is the moniker reason behind the very popular brand Nike Air. She goes back decades. Maybe you think I’ll getting delusions of grandeur there, but it’s not out of the question. I’ve been a MK-Ultra victim since birth. My head is like an open chocolate box. Reach in, take your pick, and leave a parting note in its place. That’s my mind. Interfered with, messed with, f**ked with, unraveled and unscrambled from day one.

I remember one time that I was thinking of two massive hyenas to suit my darling little spirit Chloe who could have them as her pets and soon after, later, I saw two hyenas in a Beyonce music video. A lot of mental illness these days is caused by the telly and celebrities. I met a patient in hospital who said that Kenny Dalglish was causing his sickness, talking to him via microwaves in his brain. I believe it, as I have an awful lot of celebrities talking to me in my psychosis too. I once met a bloke who said he was ‘thinking’ Hollywood scripts in half an hour and seeing them in the movies several months later. I thought he was barmy at the time, but that was before I was barmy. When you are barmy, and you full well know that you are barmy, you see other barmy people in a different light.