I touched upon
the dungeon underneath my property yesterday. I’m not quite ready to talk about
it just yet, although I am thinking about it. I’m not sure of the words to use.
It’s been there since forever, since I can remember, although I was only made aware
of it about three years ago. I remember the day I was absolutely made certain
that there were evildoers beneath me, it was daunting, all I could do was drink
and smoke cheap ciggies and wish it wasn’t happening. Since then I’ve gotten
used to it a lot, and half of the time I don’t even consider the possibility. But
it was a shock when I first found out, I was bricking it, and the voices in my
head always say they are going to kidnap me and bring me down. They still say
that to this day, all day every day, day in day out. It’s a primordial fear, to
have a secret bunker full of torture underneath you. I’ve learned to control my
fear over the years. You can imagine what it sounds like down there. Full of
misery pain anguish and death. But enough about that for the moment, because I
don’t want to depress you. I want to be a relative beacon of light and hope,
not scaredy-ass dread- and jitters-mongering. That’s my hope anyway. I hate
anything that depresses me.
My mate Crazy
Azzy says he goes psycho to things that he hates. That’s his term, “I go psycho
to it.” He has three main things he goes psycho to. One is psycho to Nick
Ellison. Nick Ellison is a kidnapper. Crazy Azzy says he goes psycho to Nick
Ellison. He also says that he goes psycho to a whip. And finally he goes psycho
to music that he doesn’t like. He describes himself as a new-age punk.
What do you go
psycho to? I go psycho, at the moment, to anything that depresses me. I go
psycho to it.
I’ve just been
talking with a friend named Jackie. She’s been a staunch hardcore addict for 14
years, but now she is 2 weeks and 6 days clean. I didn’t think she’d do it if I’m
honest, she was too far gone. She got married last week to a husband who only
has 3 months to live due to drinking. She says she cleans his excrement up
every morning and has to lift him off the toilet with her Judo skills because
he hasn’t got the strength to do it himself. He goes through a crate of 18
beers a day, half a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of wine. She’s just been
showing me her wedding snaps on her phone stood outside Pathways in the rain. We
get along really well, she keeps saying that I’m a handsome man lol. It’s nice
to be complimented. She just gave me 3 fags to smoke. I wish her all the very
best and hope she stays clean because the drop back from the time you have been
doing well is just awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, least of all
Jackie.
Not much else
to report. Saturday is a bit of a danger day in regard to substances because it’s
now not yet 1pm and my day’s business is almost over. Reportedly, there’s a
circus on at 4pm in the town park. That sounds quite interesting, but I’ve got
one eye on my speed dealer’s mobile number, as is per usual. I just wish I wasn’t
a TI, and could use drugs as other normal people do, and enjoy a bit of
pornography. On the other hand I feel like a junkies pervert with nothing else
to live for, so it’s a dilemma.
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