Bait

I was feeling very tempted about having a wild all-nighter on the cocaine last night. It was halfway in my mind, I’m not quite sure why I didn’t follow through with it. The urge is still there today, but I felt better this morning for not doing it. Now I’m fairly certain that I can’t afford it, it’s never enough and it always runs out too fast. My speed dealer is saying that he’s stopping messing about now with pregabs, but it’s okay because he’s picking up some fast stuff today when he gets paid. Pregabs are my new drug of choice, but they’re not for watching porn on. I’m not sure, I might consider it, if I had some spare, to compliment the amphetamine. It would big-up the empathy with the porn stars. I used to bomb ecstasy for that reason in the early days. That’s what made me fall in love with some of them. Falling in love with a porn star! Yeah, I know!

That’s the way my life panned out however. I had nobody and nothing to turn to apart from sexy porn stars parading their adult wares on camera. Now some of them are part of my prolonged consciousness. There was nothing else to do, and I’d never even heard of recovery back them. I fell into a deep rabbit hole. Dependent on it for years and years. And now its undoing is proving very challenging. The porn stars look as alluring as ever; they’re all smiling and whispering me false promises: “Come back with us for a bit. We’ll make it worth your while. You won’t regret it.” x

Oh but I will regret it. I have to remember the woeful misery that succeeds a reset. I feel worthless and empty and hollow and vacant and distant from God. I can’t eat or shower or watch movies or read books or go out and socialise while being active. My whole world crumbles apart. My head falls off; my arse falls out. That’s when my perps kick the boot in also. The ‘voices’ and other modern terrors of mind-control all rear their ugly head. I swear, they can’t get enough of me whenever I falter. Why do they always pick on me while I’m down? When I’m stable, the bad guys and their creatures under the bed are nowhere to be seen. I should allow the will of my own resistance to motivate me, to see it as a war between me and them. I can’t let the bad guys win. I must deny, refuse, repel and thwart the enemy at all costs. But how do you forgo a sexy female good demon? Or a sexy female fallen angel?

This sexual impulse thing is ridiculous. It drives me like a horny goat. It has more power than thirst or hunger. I wish it would just leave me and be cast away from me for ever. I’ve asked this question before, but what would I do if my son was addicted to speed and porn? Would I batter him, or tell him to enjoy it with love? As long as he is enjoying himself and smiling, that’s all that matters.