Bait

I was feeling very tempted about having a wild all-nighter on the cocaine last night. It was halfway in my mind, I’m not quite sure why I didn’t follow through with it. The urge is still there today, but I felt better this morning for not doing it. Now I’m fairly certain that I can’t afford it, it’s never enough and it always runs out too fast. My speed dealer is saying that he’s stopping messing about now with pregabs, but it’s okay because he’s picking up some fast stuff today when he gets paid. Pregabs are my new drug of choice, but they’re not for watching porn on. I’m not sure, I might consider it, if I had some spare, to compliment the amphetamine. It would big-up the empathy with the porn stars. I used to bomb ecstasy for that reason in the early days. That’s what made me fall in love with some of them. Falling in love with a porn star! Yeah, I know!

That’s the way my life panned out however. I had nobody and nothing to turn to apart from sexy porn stars parading their adult wares on camera. Now some of them are part of my prolonged consciousness. There was nothing else to do, and I’d never even heard of recovery back them. I fell into a deep rabbit hole. Dependent on it for years and years. And now its undoing is proving very challenging. The porn stars look as alluring as ever; they’re all smiling and whispering me false promises: “Come back with us for a bit. We’ll make it worth your while. You won’t regret it.” x

Oh but I will regret it. I have to remember the woeful misery that succeeds a reset. I feel worthless and empty and hollow and vacant and distant from God. I can’t eat or shower or watch movies or read books or go out and socialise while being active. My whole world crumbles apart. My head falls off; my arse falls out. That’s when my perps kick the boot in also. The ‘voices’ and other modern terrors of mind-control all rear their ugly head. I swear, they can’t get enough of me whenever I falter. Why do they always pick on me while I’m down? When I’m stable, the bad guys and their creatures under the bed are nowhere to be seen. I should allow the will of my own resistance to motivate me, to see it as a war between me and them. I can’t let the bad guys win. I must deny, refuse, repel and thwart the enemy at all costs. But how do you forgo a sexy female good demon? Or a sexy female fallen angel?

This sexual impulse thing is ridiculous. It drives me like a horny goat. It has more power than thirst or hunger. I wish it would just leave me and be cast away from me for ever. I’ve asked this question before, but what would I do if my son was addicted to speed and porn? Would I batter him, or tell him to enjoy it with love? As long as he is enjoying himself and smiling, that’s all that matters.

 

Celluloid Corridor

 Guest Blog by Stephen Kendrick

I’ve just destroyed my porn collection. I call it the Celluloid Corridor. I only had six DVDS this time. They were worth £100. Throughout my life, I must have eradicated them about seven or eight times. The first time was the biggest collection. We’re talking about 50 titles, most of them original. I burned them in the forest because I met a woman I loved. Her name is Bennie. She is still my artistic muse.

Every time I buy porn from the sex shop, I feel my Granddad in Heaven looking down with a frown upon his face.

I made eye contact when I met her in an art gallery and fell in love pronto. It was kinda preordained, because I’d wrote about lovers meeting in an art gallery way back when in college. The story was called Eternity. She’s blond with German heritage and she rides horses. That’ll do me.

Until I met her, the power porn had over me was hard to comprehend. It was my life. I never believed I’d ever meet someone. All of my feministic ideals were derived from the celluloid actresses I was salivating over on the silver screen. Bennie is prim and proper. She’s not working class like me.

In between the first destruction and the last eradication was made up of internet porn. As of now, I’ve not watched internet porn for about 2 years. I had to get rid of the net to get rid of internet porn. It was the only way for me. One night, when Bennie told me to, I put my laptop in the bath. There were about 27 hardcore internet videos on it. And that was that.

It’s difficult. The actresses call out to me like wolves from the other side of a valley. Until I incinerate the Celluloid Corridor, they are impossible to ignore. The temptation is too strong. They are too sexy and beautiful. When I wreck it, I feel instant relief wash over my soul.

Hopefully this time will be the last time. At the very least it buys me some time away from my crippling addiction, because it takes time to amass decent celluloid. I call the sex shop the ‘loop’ shop, because I’m in there every year or two. If I could predestine my son’s life, I would choose to keep him far away from the Celluloid Corridor. It’s just not a healthy place to occupy. Nothing wrong with it for some, like wedded couples behind closed doors for instance; but for me, a single man with an addictive personality, it is a no go.

My advice to you, if you are struggling with porn, is to destroy it every now and again. A good time to do this is when the novelty starts to wear off. When you introduce something new into your collection, it is probably going to batter you for a while. As soon as it starts to feel old, get rid. I promise, if you’ve never done this, the relief is sweet. You can start again at any time, but it is nice to give yourself a break.

Streaming is different, because you can’t get rid. I’ve never viewed porn on my phone, so I can’t comment. It was always a darkened room and a 40 inch TV for me, or my PC screen.

Good luck.