The 9ft Scalloper

I once was familiar with a man named the 9ft Scalloper. That was my nickname for him, because he treated human beings like scallops when he stabbed them up with his big knives. His knives were not knives actually, they were scalloping rods. More like spears. Imagine treating a sentient creature like a scallop? Inhumane, isn’t it? That was him.

He bought me in a hospital via auction, for 3.000.000 large ones. (Three million.) That ransom was paid so he could torture me. You might think that that is impossible, nobody gets auctioned in hospital, but where am I getting it from, am I making it up out of thin air? I don’t tell no lies. Everything here on the blogspot is factual. Having said that, never let the truth get in the way of a good yarn.

The next day he moved in with me. Invisible of course. He kept repeating about himself how his nature was ‘very ugly.’ Charming, I thought. Can you imagine how scared I was? His proper name was Top Boy, Head of the Masons. Do they call them Grandmasters of Evil or summet? I think that’s it. He said his MO is to get ‘very close’ to his targets. He kept repeating that also.

He held a knife to my throat one morning. I couldn’t move. You’d think you’d be able to move, it’s only a knife at your throat, why don’t you raise an arm up or kick out a leg, but you can’t, they’ve got you. I shat my trousers, but it passed.

He said he was going to play golf with me. Not with me, he said, but with me. That means lying me on the ground and swinging a driver at my head. Then he was going to put me in an oven, an industrial-sized one, and watch me cook up like a ham shank. He sounds like a really nice fella, doesn’t he?

Once I caught him hanging around outside my patio asking the devil for his power back. Apparently, he’d lost his invisibility because he’d not been evil enough. “Lucifer, give me my powers back,” he demanded.

His last victim had committed suicide after the 9ft Scalloper had pulled his pants down in his bedroom. He kept repeating that too. I thought the 9ft Scalloper was on a mission about pulling my own pants down. I expected that for a week or two. All he did was pull them off while I was asleep. He also smashed one of my mirrors as well. I was always surprised by waking up in the mornings when the 9ft Scalloper was around, I expected him to wheel me off back to his chamber and have his wicked way with me.

The 9ft Scalloper is just one of many assassins I’ve had to deal with over the years. I still don’t know how I shook him off. Maybe I haven’t. Maybe he’s just gone dormant for a couple of years. He wasn’t the first, and he won’t be the last. Roll on Illuminati Hitmen.