Weakness

On Monday I was skint, out of ciggies and beer and surviving on pot noodles. As a point in case, I always check my cash account, to see if a White Operative (good guy) from the government has put a few quid in for me. On this occasion he had, and it got me out of trouble. Unexpected bonanzas are lovely jubbly! Except today, payday, has rendered my account empty. I’ve not been paid when I should have! Just as surprisingly unexpected, but on an ugly level. Thankfully so though too, in a way, because I was thinking about using this morning. Divine intervention? Yes, maybe, but how many pot noodles can a king eat in one day for a change?

Because of this bad news, the addict in me is raging to use anything cheap and nasty, with the remaining dollars I have in my possession. We’re talking evil bags of amphetamine here, which I haven’t used in over a year. Undoing this statistic would be a severe setback. It’s the disease talking. One knock (no money), and he’s reaching for the FiB (f**k it button).

As an addict I’m just laying out my rags to dry here. There really is no rhyme or reason to it. My online presence, my apology classes, everything I stand for, all on the line for a parcel of dirty drugs which ruin everything about me. I hope my mind switches over swiftly and I am able to put this scenario out of it. But hardly anything compares to the lawless abandon of impromptu intoxication. A cup of tea and toast just don’t cut it. Praying for myself at the moment. I am seriously tempted to backtrack. Everything is just too mundane. Chirp in with an amen if you are able!

😷 Never be afraid to expose a weakness in yourself. Exposing a weakness is the beginning of strength. x