Dunno

 Well it’s payday and I’ve been underscored, but it’s still better than nothing. I’ve been thinking about 20 lines of Charlie (I know!), what a silly idea. It’s that arsehole, that saboteur addictive personality inside, that wants so much pleasure powder.

He doesn’t care about anything other than getting off his chops. Speaking of that, someone was off their face in apology today. He admitted to having had oral morphine. He made me a tad jealous actually, until I thought about the comedown that follows. I wouldn’t mind feeling chilled out, but how do you feel when it wears off?

The compulsion isn’t ‘all over me’, but it is prevalent. I’ve got all day to combat the infatuation. It won’t end well, my thoughts will be hijacked and scuppered if I proceed along this course of rationale. What is the alternative? Get pissed? Eat a Chinese?

I heard about rats in experiments choosing drug water and killing themselves. I’d be like that, if I had enough. Today I can afford a fair deal of substance so the craving is strong, I can occupy that sexually-driven pleasurable place for longer than is usual.

I wish I knew what I was going to do. What am I on already? I’m listening to a bloke who is telling me that addiction is an adaptation to my environment, not a chemical hook. I just wish I didn’t suffer from it, because even if you resist the temptation, you have to keep on resisting throughout the following days, until it goes away. And guess what? It doesn’t go away. Until you give in.

I’ve treated myself to a maccies and a t-shirt so far today, that’s it. Now I’m clutching tightly all my P (pounds) to hand over to a callous dealer who doesn’t care about me. Why do I do it. Fingers crossed I won’t be back here soon writing miserably, if at all!