The sound of the grinding fades

But all their songs grow faint

Cedric

Being Seventeen....
GKJKJHGFD

((NON-FICTION))

I was playing pool with some blagger when this dark lad came in. He was short, stocky, and Cuban-looking, with cropped black hair on a round head. He spoke fair English with a French accent. When I potted the black he tried to grab the blagger’s cue but the blagger tried to blag him, saying it was the best of three. GIVE ME F**KING CUE OR I BREAK YOUR HEAD, Cedric said.

This was hardcore flophouse attitude. I liked him already. We would go to the local takeaway where he would order something that took yonks to prepare so he could chat up the young Chinese lady working there. I remember his food being stone cold by the time he eventually left her alone. I think she was as intrigued by him as I was.

He was brutally honest with people. He seemed to be anticipating challenges all the time. No one stepped up.

He showed me photos of himself posing by landmarks from various countries, including the top of the Statue of Liberty. He was a fearless roaming vagabond who was prepared to fight. A true lone wolf.

One day he came in with a packet of bacon. I thought he was ready to slap someone silly with it. We went to his room. He locked the door behind us. He sat on the bed and opened a portfolio. In it were erotic demons and beasts scribbled in pencil. Suddenly, I saw him in a different light.

Here’s the trick though. He opened another portfolio, but this was full of women from dirty magazines, carefully cut out and stuck together like jigsaw pieces. A zany collage of indecency. I’m telling, it was an absolute piece of art that must have took years in the making.

He gripped his crotch and howled, imitating an awesome orgasm. Then he opened his bacon and laid the rashers out in strips over his right hand. YOU GO NOW, ANDY, he said, making a w**king gesture.

I didn’t need asking twice! Fooking hell, Cedric!

The Time I Got Pulled By A Bloke

For some unholy reason I was on the fun bus with a keyboard and this dark skinned Hispanic fellow sat himself next to me on the back seat. He started chatting, and I didn’t know back then that when one human speaks to another, it is the equivalent of apes grooming each other. I learned that in a book called THE NAKED APE. When someone talks to you, that is effectively what they are doing, so it means they like you and are prepared to care for you. Remember this next time you are caught off-guard and start to feel defensive.

He was ever-so very friendly. I thought he was naive because he was foreign but in hindsight I was the naive one. He knew exactly what he was doing from the off. He said he had a house which was on the bus route and only a mile or so before where I lived. It was above THE BALL pub on LIVERPOOL ROAD. He said I was welcome to get off early and stop at his for a bit because he had studio equipment and I would be able to plug my keyboard in and make a professional-sounding song.

It sounds weird agreeing to this with a TOTAL STRANGER only minutes after meeting him, but that’s exactly what I did. As soon as I went in I saw pictures of his friends with (how can I put this?), MALE LOVE JUICE on their chests. Yes, really. Actual printed photographs of sex games pinned up for all to see. That should have set me on my toes right there. I thought an accomplice was going to stick me with a needle and drug me. My eyes were peeled for any SYRINGES that might POP OUT from between the banisters of the stairs. I thought I was meat.

I couldn’t bring myself to flee like a whipped dog. I had to stick it out and be ready to PROTECT MY BOTTOM at all costs.

It was very unnerving for a while, but when I saw his studio I relaxed a little. I started to have a go and realised that he was just watching me, playing with himself inside his pants. He had a PROPER TENT GOING ON with both hands buried inside. When I asked what he was doing he invited me to start playing with myself too. He said COME ON, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, LET’S JUST HAVE SOME FUN. I kind of laughed his suggestions off and said to myself that it was time to go, all the while being careful that he didn’t BRAIN ME on the way out.

And that, ladies and gents, is the time I got pulled by a bloke.

This is a true life personal account with no added sugar, when I was 24. The man in question reminds me of CEDRIC, who I met when I was 17. Stay tuned to hear all about CEDRIC soon!

CHEMICAL MUSCLE by The Biggest and the Best

A guy once asked me if he could still get insanely huge and big while taking all kinds of serious narcotics. This joker would stay out on all night benders without a single bite from dusk till dawn and wonder why his stems and pipe-cleaners could fit in cat-flaps. I said mate, you can do whatever the hell you please as long as you are eating a meal every 3 hours. In between those 3 hours, you can snort petrol if you so desire. You can chew on raw tabs of MDMA like tic tacs and inhale sludgy herion off a hot black spoon. You can bomb bags of whizz and lick handfuls of acid and neck pints of Sambuca and smoke so much weed that even Snoop Dog will be saying hold up. Those 3 hours are yours to do whatever you want. Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain. Blow out kidda. Knock yourself right out. Rock out with your c**k out.

Eating every 3 hours is guaranteed MASSIVENESS no matter what you are doing in between. But if you miss a meal then you must be prepared to eat 2 meals on the 6^th hour with a penance of 2 mammoth microwaved spuds. That’s how it works. And don’t forget to wash your meals down with six 50g scoop shakes as thick as paint so that all that treacly powder clenches around your heart and makes it pump twice as big with awesome mass.

Forget weights. You don’t need ‘em. Just posing your beefy pecs and traps will pile the size on and enrich your gigantic physique with true pure blood. My calves have never burned as much as when I trained them at home with no weights. I was limping for three days and it wasn’t even funny. It felt like they had been nibbled on by Rottweilers and all I did is do standing calf raises on the carpet with zero added resistance.

So, can you get high and massive at the same time? My answer would have to be yes, because every time I look in the mirror I see an oxo cube staring back at me. I see a brick sh*thouse who once couldn’t pass a drug test to save his skin. Steroids, barbs, PCP, peyote, methylone, you name it and I use to be on it like a tramp on chips.

If I didn’t eat like a dickhead in my younger drug days, I’d be thin as a whip now, but I’m not. I am still unbelievably wide and strong and thick and dense and large. I took Tupperware into clubs and munched on steak and broccoli while busting my moves on the dance floor. I was so into my chow that a bird from Stoke whipped my tackle out and I didn't even realise.

Stay large and in charge brothers and sisters. Over n out.

You have been reading The Biggest and The Best.

P.S (Don't forget them f**king chicken legs)

Supermarket Decapitation

I only nipped in for some garlic bread...

Well what about that poor pensioner who was so grisly beheaded in a Tenerife supermarket? Alarm bells ring back to a similar story of a former mental patient nut here in England who wrote letters to the authorities stating his fantasies and intent to kill a woman. His warnings went ignored and he went on to repeatedly stab an innocent random female – in a supermarket.

If we can hardly believe what we’re reading, imagine the victim’s disbelief as a stranger took it upon his not-so-good self to detach her head at the neck? One minute you are browsing the “whoopsies” in the reduced section, or deliberating the BOGOF deal on pork faggots, and the next all you can see is your own blood.

Remember Derek Bird, that loony sourpuss from the Cumbria shooting rampage last June who went about “blasting” anyone and everyone? Incidentally, news reports used the word “blasting”, which for me glorified it, like he was 50 Cent blastin’ niggaz in the hood. Mums unloading shopping, dog walkers, gardeners – whoever he came across really. Imagine staring down the barrel and not knowing why. That feeling.

Watching CRIMEWATCH doesn’t help when you want to believe it’s a honky-dory world out there. Love thy neighbour? He or she might want to commit the perfect murder on you for no other reason than because he or she wants to.

But back to the most gruesome horror news story since I can remember, anyway. This guy must have been some fruitcake. Talk about voices in his head – he must have had an entire stadium’s worth from the deepest depths of crystal meth hell chattering in tongues via loudspeaker nonstop day and night. Strangely enough, The DAILY MAIL said that he had a “real wild moment”.

Excuse me? A real wild moment? A real wild moment? If he had dropped his shopping and left the store in a panic because the stench of the fresh haddock in the fishmonger’s kiosk was making him queasy – then that would qualify as a real wild moment. Or if he had suddenly burst into frenetic song and dance because his favourite pop number had come on the store radio – that would qualify too. Smashing an aisle to ribbons because they didn’t have the cereal he wanted would also be a real wild moment, or kicking off at the manager because he suspected they suspected he was shoplifting.

Sorry, but decapitating another human being next to shelves of I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER is slightly more than a real wild moment. More like a really wild dose of psychotic insanity.

Also, in the news, it’s reported that one eyewitness said the incident reminded him of THE CLASH OF THE TITANS. And that was it. They left it at that. As if that was all he cared to say. I guess he’s referring to the slaying of Medusa. http://piebald77.blogspot.com/2010/11/medusa-screen-grabs.html One guy sat behind me in the library played the KEN BIGLEY execution on his phone once. The audio alone was truly disturbing in itself, let me assure you. But here we have a witness at the scene who has watched the full living impact of this kinda terror unreel before his very eyes in the flesh with all that blood and shock and adrenaline and squealing – oh Christ the squealing – and all he has to say is that it reminded him of a movie?

Jesus.

http://horrorfanzine.com/more-real-life-horror-british-woman-decapitated-in-supermarket/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+horrorfanzine+%28Horror+Fan+Zine%29&utm_content=Twitter

Passion for Fashion

We all know the public perception of WAGS shopping all day long. I have a pal who admitted to me that their weekly food shop around the supermarket with his girlfriend would take two hours. Not half an hour, not an hour, not even an hour and a half, but TWO WHOLE HOURS. That’s hilarious, but understandable, if you are hunting through every bargain in every aisle, analysing comparative prices, and deciding upon what meals you want while you are actually purchasing the ingredients.

But the issue here is clothes shopping. No wonder those WAGS need a whole day. Men in general, and especially those who despise lounging around the vegetable sections in supermarkets, will probably recoil in dread at the thought of touring high street apparel outlets, and even more so in a big city where they are spread apart by miles.

Personally, if you have the funds and the time, I don’t see how anyone can not like it. Popping tags – buying new clothes – is scientifically proven to make you feel better about yourself, hence the term retail therapy. The problem, apart from funds and time, obviously, is finding your size, brand, and colour.

The likelihood of all these probabilities coinciding (funds, time, size, brand and colour) is exceedingly rare, in my part of the world. Yeah, I know, you DREAMED of a cardboard box. But tooting hell, why do all manufacturers only cater for large boys?

Whatever you want, they ain’t got it. Well they have, they have exactly what you want, but not in your size. Or they have your size, but not your colour. And the quality’s dreadful. It’s either crinkly or shiny or bobbly or flappy or tight. If it looks like it needs ironing before it’s even left the shop then run a mile. The really cheap stuff looks like it was made from spare tent canvas.

Supposing my 6 numbers come up. You think I’m paying over the odds for designer? Huh. MASSIVE PRICES – TINY SIZES. 50 spuds for a t-shirt? I could have 150 Snickers ice creams for that! As for high street goods, I get the feeling everything gets made in the same eastern factory and then the different labels are stuck on later, like tuna, or beans. Mainstream brands have bottomed out. You’ll be lucky to get an elastic waist or a zipper on your pocket now. Hey, if you’re not gonna put an effing zip on the effing pocket, don’t even bother making the chuffing thing in the first place!

Who can afford to carry cash or cards or keys in a sh*tty little shallow pocket that doesn’t even have a zip? F*ck me man. It’s disgraceful. Not so long ago, attire featured intricate sewing work on proud emblems and badges. Now they are glue-gunned on. XL meant enough room for 2 pairs of bollocks and at least three buttocks. Now, if they even have it, you can’t get a leg in.

Wadda’ya reckon. Do the clothes make the man, or do they just keep us warm?

When you check yourself out in the mirror (don't deny it), what do you see? Gentleman, or wasteman? Have you ever spilled some Lloyd GROSSMAN Thai Curry sauce and Wall's mint choc chip over anything new?

http://piebald77.blogspot.com/2010/06/shopping-assistant-by-cam-lee.html

Ego-Maniacal Self-Obsession

Chewed Up, Spat Out. You ever felt this way? I didn’t have the words for this emotion until recently, but they’re perfect. Chewed up, and spat out. Ha. Awesome.

You ever get sick of I? I did this and I did that? It’s so obvious sometimes it’s painful. It’s that guy who spends an hour giving you a personal tour of his mansion and insisting you sit in his hummer without a single HOW ARE YOU DOING? I myself am guilty by association. Guilty of trying to shout from the highest hilltop LOOK AT HOW F*CKING GOOD I AM. JUST LOOK AT HOW F*CKING GOOD I AM.

The “stars” in pop music videos are the worst perpetrators of this (fine if they can actually walk the walk), but the tinterweb is also rife with twits clambering over each other for attention. Be damned if I’m another. If you are selling something, which really is f*cking good, then you may be excused, but otherwise, what’s the point, what’s the message, apart impressing upon me how f*cking good you are? Change the record why don’t’cha? You’re not good, as a matter of fact. You’re NO good. You’re bum.

Twitter is best for blowing your own trumpet. Facebook is best for stalking and slobbering over your friends. This blogging concept is headed for a brick wall. It’d be best suited for journalistic reporting. Otherwise, it’s the epitome of solitary self-expression for any berk with an IP address, and the standards are so low they’re bottomless.

Where do you draw the line at what you think might be interesting, without crawling so far up your own ass pipe that you need a flashlight to find your way back out? The impulse to take a picture of everything and share everything and give a title to everything...aw hell, enough. You just know that someone somewhere (Ron Todd) is posting pictures of their turds in the bog – maybe even a thumbs-up beside their own bonk-on. Always someone, somewhere...

Forget cleanliness: It is consistency that is next to godliness. One slip and it’s over. Finito. Gone.

Bin Dipper

So I know this wasteman guy for a few years, right? I mean he’s been through something, it’s obvious, he’s down on his luck like. He’s seen better days, if you get me. The prime’s behind him. But his head is held high. He’s well mannered, he’s politely conversational, he’s smart. A real endearing character. He speaks of his past, when he was in a prominent position, and I believe him. I’m not totally sure, because I’m thinking what did this dude do to wind up on this kind of path, but on the other hand I’m wondering if that’s just me, searching for blame, being suspicious and distrustful. How else do you judge character?

Then one day I hear him talking on the phone to his kids and I give him the benefit of the doubt. This was a genuine stand-up guy. But what’s with the wasteman look? (I first heard the term WASTEMAN in a cockney drug dealer movie a year or so ago, and laughed when someone said it on the streets of Widnes who I know doesn’t watch movies.) It’s urban lingo and refers to any scruffy person who doesn’t look the part: a bum, a tramp, or whatever. This guy fits the bill and then some. I’ve seen him off and on over the last few years and never in anything new. Old stuff is one thing, but dirty stuff is another. I’ve seen him in dirty stuff too. The same old dirty stuff. I think that anyone could buy a few items from a charity shop for buttons if they were ever so desperate. Any new cheap look beats any well-worn-in-need-of-a-wash-wardrobe.

So times are tight. Don’t some of us agree. But how can someone look so bad and yet be so charming, upbeat, chatty, and apparently happy? He always says hello in the same way – as if he just won the lottery. Maybe he spends every penny on booze, I’ve wondered, which keeps him in a cheery mood. Or maybe it’s an elaborate act, a benefit scam. Who knows.

He always has a bag for life with him. A bag is essential for any hustling hoarder. Tonight I saw him at a bin before nightfall on a moderately busy road, possibly transferring the contents of the bin into his own bag for life. I couldn’t be certain, because I didn’t want to look too closely. It was wholly uncomfortable. Is he, I thought, is he really? I didn’t want to believe it, but he sure as hell wasn’t working for the council.

When you’re flying, and you see people sinking, you feel as if you’re separated by a thousand miles in the sky. When you’re in the troughs yourself, and you see people sinking, it feels like you are sinking with them.

Random Piks

Ride those pearly waves...

...an oil change of the brain

I was just thinking about Richard Branson’s island pad. I’m sure I seen it on MTV Cribs one time. Necker Island, it’s called. It’s all open plan. And I mean open as in no walls or doors. As in THINGS CAN FLY IN. Now I’m sorry, and I don’t know about you, but that is NOT for me. Just the idea of a gull landing on my bed makes me fidgety. Lord only knows what specimens of frog, bat, lizard or bird might invite itself in. I’m reminded of some mundane factory work I did some years ago. There were areas of the open warehouse where people claimed to have seen rats. It always tickles me how people exaggerate the size of rats when estimating the size with their hands. These rats, supposedly, were the size of dogs. There were also cats hanging around the area, and bats too, high up in the rafters. I distinctly recall one fellow listing the creatures he’d seen (rats, cats and bats), then reaching the conclusion that if it ends in a T, it’s in ‘ere. They were his actual words. If it ends in a T, it’s in ‘ere. Elephant, then? Pink one, maybe...

Tony Soprano

Despite all the critical acclaim, popularity, success, and every plus point I could mention about it, it boils down to this: If Tony Soprano wasn’t in it, I don’t think I would give a damn. In fact, I know for sure I wouldn’t. That’s the one key element about The Sopranos – Tony Soprano. The second factor about the show is that he regularly sees a female therapist. Doctor/patient relationships, when loaded with underlying sexual tension, are always a winner. Third would have to be his loose cannon nephew.

I remember seeing the show during the summer of 2003, on one night in particular which stands out from all the rest. That was my best summer. Do you have a best summer, or one summer evening which stands apart in your memories from others for no particular reason? On mine, it happened to be the night when I really took in The Sopranos for the first time. I was eating, near midnight, because I was bang into the gym and near my all time heaviest. Life is a breeze for any hard gainer when he is near his heaviest. Know this.

The show is so masculine. It’s a man’s world. Their gangster life is appealing, with its adrenalin, its comradeship, it’s hard cash 'n' boobs, bodies in boots, its comforts so taken for granted. Respect and fear from your peeps, honour and loyalty, rats and rank...a far cry from gossipy soaps set in pubs.

I’ve just killed the first season in a couple of days, none of which I’ve seen before, but it all started with a movie recommended by a teacher, back in school, called TRUE ROMANCE. I stayed up after my mum’s bedtime to watch this (life marker occasion). Tony Soprano was in just one of the many awesome scenes in the movie (although his stands out as perhaps the most pivotal and best). We called him The Dirty B*stard, because of his ruthless beating of Patrica Arquette. He was sooo convincing as a hit man in touch with his sensitive side, having a kind of running commentary breakdown as he did his nasty work, it was unreal. Then, when I saw The Dirty B*stard with his own drama years down the line, you bet I was gripped!

That’s why to me, the show means a lot more than it oughta. I can’t go into it here. It’s almost like the real James Gandolfini doesn’t even exist. Please don't show me his bloopers. I'd choke on his gag reel.

On just once a week, late at night however, you’d have to be dedicated to watch it religiously. Now, with box sets, internet and Sky+, it’s perfectly possible to start smashing all your fav shows in a matter of days (hey, why not on your i-phone?). There’s that many decent Americana dramas, it can sometimes feel impossible to do anything else...

Animal Rights

Is it to our ultimate shame, that, as a species, besides slaughtering one another over peanuts, we’ve allowed Tigers and the Great Apes to become all but extinct? At the day of our judgement, what are we going to say? How will it feel standing before Jehovah in a fur jacket when he gets his notebook out to check how many burgers you ate and how many spiders you squashed? Ah don’t sweat it, at least you are not in a culture where they dice up puppies on the chopping board.

Is it possible that on another world somewhere, like, say for example, THE PLANET OF THE APES, we humans are clustered in pens like cattle, being led out to be stunned and slit and bled? Is Bernard Mathews currently flapping in Turkey Hell?

Funny how that stun gun they use on pigs is supposed to kill them. They’re wriggling like mad and to the farmer it’s just a case of nerves. Yeah, sure, it looks dead mate. If I was a pig I would want that stun to kill me FLAT dead, not just dead. There's a huge difference between being dead but not lying down and being flat dead.

Shooting an elephant just for its tusks is like shooting David Hasslehoff for his two front teeth. And whosever idea it was to kill a Tiger to make a nice rug is an absolute...oh I don’t know...an absolute selfish greedy arse hole?

LEAVE THEM THE F*CK ALONE! What chance have they all got, stuck on Earth with us? No wonder they ravage us whenever they get a chance! Being locked up in cages is the best it ever gets for them. We skin dogs alive, boil lobsters alive, force feed geese until they can't believe it, stick fish in tanks hardly big enough to turn around in, harpoon the living daylights out of whales, and club little cute innocent baby white seals so that their red blood stains the ice (it was either you or him eh?). C’mon, that’s just tight...

I wanna see an ostrich or an orangutan being interviewed in the House of Lords. Only then will I be convinced that animals have rights.

Aristotle called them the brutes (chuckle), but what does that make us?

Not The Royal Wedding

I couldn’t decide on a George dress from Asda or a charity shop jobbie. There was nothing in the local donation bins, and the Cancer Research shop had closed down. I haven’t seen an Oxfam on the high street since I was a kid. Garden hopping in Alderley Edge for a burst of washing line snatching didn’t even enter my mind, honest. I gave a smackhead a tenner to rob one from Debenhams.

I managed to book the ceremony in the local bingo hall. The cleaners there are a joke. The floor is stickier than the back of the 14 bus. It’s like a cave in there. We’ll have to leave the fire escape open to let some light in.

You can bring your embarrassing uncle if you want, the one who buys his tracksuits from TJ Hughes, & I’ll let our nobhead pop along so he can talk about himself all night. I’ve arranged a special invite for Keith Lemon. He said he was going to arrive by helicopter in a mankini for no fee but I think he might be blagging me. I tried to book Borat and Keith Chegwin but no success.

Don’t forget to invite your old man too so he can throw some wild robotic shapes on the dance floor. We’ll spike his lagers with vodkas and pro plus. There’s nothing funnier than watching somebody else’s dad dance.

We have malt loaf, sponge puddings we boil in a tin, or swiss roll for the wedding cake. I considered making my own with flapjack and whipped cream so I could bung in a handful of green hash to make everyone happy, but in that dark bingo hall they would probably go paranoid and start seeing bats.

I bought a ring from a traveller in the pub but it melted in my pocket when I sat against the radiator. The smackhead said he will sort me a smash n grab jobbie from Warren James the jeweller’s window. If all else fails, it’ll have to be a St George’s medallion from Argos for £38.99. Don’t worry I can get my cash back on the 28 day money back guarantee.

I’m shaving my muzzy especially for when the priest says you may now kiss the bride. I might even go for a fondle and quick dry hump. How far are we allowed to go? I mean, it’s not church is it? There’s a thought – will it even be a priest? We’ll have to get Dogshit Barry to do it.

Our souvenirs should include toasters, alarm clocks, and gift vouchers for Cash Converters. Our stag do is in the Dog n Duck pub. We’re going on the bus.

Gregg Valentino: The Rambling Freak

I started with FLEX. It was something to look forward to in the month. At times, I would walk out of the shop with 2 issues to catch up on. I wonder who it is the kids look up to today. Kai Green is pretty lumpy.

For me, several years back, Dennis James, Nasser El Sonbatty, Markus Ruhl and Orville Burke spring to mind. Orville Burke had the highest & widest lats known to man. Get ready for his nickname – The Walking Eclipse. I think I heard that he passed away (or, as Clive Barker would put it, turned a corner up ahead of us to be out of sight for a while) but a quick Google search has failed to conclude this avenue of presumption.

No matter. Past or present tense, he was, or is, a FREAKAZOID. In the bodybuilding community, this is a term of endearment. Which leads me to my next point – MD magazine.

If FLEX is a comic, MD magazine is a scientific journal. I flicked through it for years before deciding to buy it. I thought only FLEX existed. I was wrong. Once I went MD, I never went back. MD stands for muscular development. It’s a monthly bible for serious iron shifters. They don’t brush stuff under the carpet. Other magazines won’t even mention the word steroids. In MD, Dave Jumbo Palumbo gave you cycle advice.

It was there where I encountered GREGG VALENTINO, aka THE RAMBLING FREAK. Aw man, this guy. I gotta tell ya. He’s like an explosion of personality and mind. He says what he thinks and he thinks what he says. There’s no messing about with him. He’s blunt. He’s honest. He’s improperly jocular. He’s that guy at the party making everyone laugh. That guy who doesn’t take life too seriously. That guy with the biggest arms in the world.

You’ll never see a column like his. HE WRITES IN COLOURFUL BOLD CAPS AND ITALICS. You can all too easily imagine a stereotypical meathead banging his keyboard with his too-big forefinger, but like Stephen King, the best-selling author of modern times says, writing is emotional, not technical.

I cherished Gregg’s column. I incorporated it into my own writing style whenever I could, and like the old dogs say, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Then, when his documentary aired over here, THE MAN WHOSE ARMS EXPLODED, everyone was raving about him but I was like wow, I’ve already adored this dude for years, get with the program already...

Ba-Bam!

Big Dollops

I dropped out of the size game eons ago and I haven’t trained in months so it was to my surprise when I made an impulse buy in the health store earlier. The thing is, I suddenly did a midnight workout last night, out of the blue. I was sat back on the sofa listening to this awesome German band I’ve just discovered and I thought that this kind of music is so good I can’t just sit still and listen to it, I have to drive off a cliff to it or at least work out to it or something. So I digs out the barbell and EZ bar from the bedroom, dusts them off, opens the patio, and gets down with it right there in the living room with the television on mute.

You can never beat the gym, everyone knows that, the smell of sweat and the sounds of clanking, clanging metal...but unless you are fortunate to have a 24/7 gym, then your body is used to being taxed at predictable times of the day. Hit it at midnight and see what it thinks. Seated shoulder presses on your couch when you are ready for bed should shock it into growth.

I might not ever go the gym again, but I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS have the occasional home workout, and for when I do, this health store shiz will come in handy. Big heaped dollops of each, shook in a empty milk carton and downed in a plastic tumbler.

Size on. Do it like a brother, do it like a dude.

By the way, whey is going up like petrol and everything else, but I still do my work out routines and meal plans for just £20 each to friends and acquaintances. You know the drill, do curls for your biceps and eat beans for your chest. Don’t be shy, give me your cash.

Escaping Edale

I was in Edale in the Peak District walking when Hazel revealed herself on the horizon. NOT A WORD IN 14 DAYS, she said, WHAT’S HAPPENED TO US?

I told her not to worry. I was surprised myself by how suddenly the word count had dried up but Chapter 3 would be coming along in the next couple of weeks. The important thing is that the first 2 are done and there are only 7. It’s not like Harper Collins are on my case.

YOU CAN’T RUN, she said, I DEMAND TO LIVE IN INK AS WELL AS IN HOLOGRAM.

I told her that I thought she was confusing me with the actual character in the story, Sadler, who is so entwined with her. Making fiction up doesn’t always feel so important, I explained, whether you are in it or not. It’s only a by-product of my life. A drug, granted, but not my one of choice.

PLEASE, I REALLY WANT THIS, she said. Smooth-as-oil voice.

Oh go away, I replied. You don’t even know who I am. This is me with 2 heads. I’m not getting paid. I think all writers are geeks and introverts. I’m ashamed of it and I’m ashamed of you.

SADLER ISN’T! WE BOTH CARE FOR HIM...ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU START TO THINK ABOUT ME AGAIN. I KNOW THE NEXT SCENE IS GOING TO BE SO ROMANTIC. YOU DREAMT IT EASTER SUNDAY. WE WERE IN THE BIN TOGETHER...ha

The world didn’t need any more authors blowing their own trumpets about their most meaningful, self-defining tales. I told her this. Any old bohemian on hallucinogenic drugs could find genuine creative inspiration in the advertisements between a children’s animation on Channel 5. Talent was as common as table salt. The real world consisted of logging, oil, energy, sweat...problem solving, mass production, logistical distribution, making things work. I didn’t fit in, and at 6 foot 3 inches tall, I was like a sore thumb. Still, that didn’t mean I had to like the alternative.

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO KNOW. YOU NEED TO PASS ME ON. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT PASSING OUR EXPERIENCES ON, NO MATTER HOW TRAGIC OR MERRY. IT’S HOW WE COPE WITHIN OURSELVES...THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO...

If Hazel wasn’t so bad, I’d find it hard to believe that she could be good. There is some faith involved here. Faith = reason for hope. To the naked eye, she IS bad, like King Kong, but beneath...underneath...me trust

When I got back I told my doctor about Hazel appearing in the sky but she blamed the heat and told me to get out, and said if I was mad, then she was mad. Huh! I tipped her desk over and took her printer. It was a Kodak though, so dumped it in the Staples.